In sum: good news and grey track suits

So, after leaving you all hanging with the mother of all scheduling dilemmas (and I just know you've been on tenterhooks waiting for news on both fronts), followed by my long radio silence, it would probably be easy for you to assume everything went disastrously belly up, nothing worked out, and that's why I've been so quiet and sad.

Not so. The short version (and fair warning - I'll get to a longer version at some point): the scheduling conflict got resolved. I went for the interview and got the job. And we're approved and headed for IVF.

Holy shit.

And also, what gives Sadie? Right? But the crux of the problem is, I can't seem to bring myself to care much about any of it.

Needless to say, there are big -- no, huge things in the works. This accounts in part for my absence - things have just been crazy busy in the midst of yet another move, and as I plan for this new role - but does not entirely account for the feelings of apathy I just can't seem to shake lately. I'm still untangling that one, so I guess you could say there's also a lot going on in Sadie Land emotionally and cognitively too. 

I'm struggling to pull myself up yet again from a very low place. The calendar's slow progression into August is partly responsible. August is the month in which we lost two pregnancies, and was the never achieved due date for the third. Not a great month in the annals of my sad reproductive history. 

It's not only the sadness though; that's always a little bit there, and honestly can be a huge source of motivation in my more ass-kicking, energetic moments. Instead, recently I feel like my ability to believe has become ever more compromised. I've been having trouble caring too. Metaphorically, I'm walking around in an over-sized grey track suit, like this, sort of meeting everything in my path with a meh attitude. It's not fun.

I know it doesn't make sense, at the precise moment when many of the things for which I have been lamenting seem to have fallen into place. I'll come back to that; for now all I can say is, it can get really exhausting to always look on the bright side, to stay positive, to find the stuff worth celebrating. I know it's there, but maybe I just needed some time to stop trying so hard. To crash and burn and then rebuild in order to find renewed energy. I dunno.

I am trying though, to rebuild, to tear off that track suit and climb back up again. I want to get back to blogging, because that's been such a source of catharsis and self-insight for me in the past. (Well, for a while there even that was making me feel worse - the happy news would make me feel lonely, and the bad news just made me feel sad, and so I'd go silent.) So I'm reaching up and out again.

I think I'm on my way back. Watch this space.

Bright colours and all, sometimes it's just hard. Source.