On the eve of our genetic anomaly scan

Tomorrow is our long-awaited level II anatomy scan. For the past more-than-a-month I've done a good job of putting it out of mind, because really, there was nothing else to do, and I was damned if I was going to let this worry rob me of the hard won but ever increasing joy and trust we have in this pregnancy.

But for the last few days I have been irritable and sleeping poorly and easy to well up with tears. I chalked it up to ongoing pregnancy weirdness and unprocessed grief (which are doubtless also to blame), but then I remembered...

I keep coming to this space, thinking of things I want to say, to share. I have half-written several posts, but they always languish in my drafts folder. I feel mute in a way, shifting between this wild hopefulness and swinging back around to fear. Fear, irrational as it may seem, that there is something much worse than markers for Downs syndrome. And then, excitement and anticipation that we will find out the sex of our little seedling, who wriggles and somersaults wildly now on a daily basis, as if offering reassurance.

Anxious, fearful, hopeful, excited, confused.

Send some vibes our way tomorrow, won't you friends?