Thursday, 26 June 2014

Overwhelmed, negative and positive

You may have noticed in recent days that my blog was re-set to private.

It's not that I actually wanted privacy per se, or that I've even updated. On the contrary, I have had little time or energy to post blow-by-blow updates, and even if I did, I wouldn't know where to begin. Girl Wonder has been back in hospital for going on a month now, and is struggling. We are struggling with fear, watching her suffer with so little complaint. She deserves a babyhood free from all this pain and illness.

Also, there comes a point when it becomes a special kind of overwhelming just to see how overwhelmed others are by the sheer volume of your misfortune. And at the same time, I don't want to come across as all woe-is-me, because however hellish things are, we continue to know and celebrate how blessed we are. There continue to be moments of happiness. My daughter makes me laugh out loud with surprising regularity, given our current situation.

So, not knowing what to do or say in the face of all this, I just stepped away.

And then, as I wailed my sense of fear and injustice to a small group of amazing parents who have carried me through many a disappointment and triumph, something amazing happened: they poured out support and strength for our Girl Wonder. From the four corners of the globe, they enfolded me in their nurturing love. They offered to fly here to just sit with us and cry. They researched medical journals and sought expertise on our behalf, as we battle the many diagnoses we're dealing with. They offered to feed us, literally and metaphorically. The incomparable soul, the generous heart that is le petit soleil, (who is herself facing no insignificant measure of heartache and stress and fear in these days), has taken the un-expected step of drawing together all this love and support to give us some concrete help at a time when we would otherwise feel very alone.

And now I'm overwhelmed for a whole other reason. There are no words of gratitude sufficient enough to repay this kindness. The gesture is so welcome, but it is the spirit behind it and the feeling of being embraced, overwhelmed by loving kindness, that are really a balm to our weary spirits right now.

I so hope to be back soon, with the time and energy to be giving you a happy update. In the meantime, Girl Wonder draws on your care and good wishes, and H and I continue to be oh so thankful for your thoughts, prayers and actions.

(**I have continued to be active on internet fora where I have shared personal details first put down in writing long before it occurred to me to be cautious about my identity, long before even the birth of this blog. That space seemed like such an intimate family context, while I guess I've always viewed this blog as a lot more public, but given the uniqueness of our situation right now, it wouldn't be difficult to trace those personal details back to here...If you should happen upon them, or know me in that other context, I'd appreciate you not referring to our names or that other space here.**)

 

22 comments:

  1. Sadie, I am so happy that you are feeling supported. I think of you and your family often, but want to leave you space to be WITH your family, rather than taking time away from them. Continuing to send prayers and positive thoughts to you all, that Girl Wonder won't remember any of what she's going through right now, strength for you and H as you love & worry about her and miss S and love for you all.

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  2. Sadie, it breaks my heart to here your family is still in a place of fear and suffering. To know that Girl Wonder is back in the hospital. I'm so sorry you are going through this. And equally sorry you feel you need to be quiet during this time. I get it, I really do. But please know that you are supported here too. I'm holding you and your family in my heart today.

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  3. I'm so sorry she is struggling and things have been hard. I've been holding you in my thoughts, and will continue to do so. I wish things were easier.

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  4. Thinking of you and praying for Girl Wonder, Sadie.

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  5. Your beautiful strong Girl Wonder has been and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! I hold you and your hubby in my heart, hoping that i can give you strength through this.
    All my very warmest wishes and thoughts to you Sadie

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  6. Sadie, I am so glad that you're getting the support and caring you deserve. When your blog told me that it was set to private, I feared never hearing from you again. It made me so sad. Of course, you need to do what's best for you. I understand. Please take good care and know that I am sending your Girl Wonder lots of love from afar!

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  7. Sadie, I think of your little family often. I'm so sorry your Girl Wonder is back in the hospital and that you're all struggling right now. I hope you continue to be lifted by the support system you've built, and that includes this space. Sending love and continued strength your way.

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  8. I had been checking in here and wondering why you were private. I hope you get both the space and support you need. Sending lots of strength and love your way.

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  9. Please know that prayers continue to be sent your way, and that if you need to step back, go private, or blog, it makes no difference, the support will continue to be sent. Glad you are getting some of that . So sorry Baby Girl is still struggling, and hope things stabilize and begin to move in a positive direction for her and all of you. As you are struggling with all of this, I hope for you some moments of peace.

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  10. Hi Sadie, I am with you in spirit. I think of you, H and Girl Wonder often and hope with all my might that everything turn around and your baby get the babyhood she deserves. Hugs hugs hugs.

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  11. I'm so sorry you are all struggling and that baby girl is still in hospital. I wish with all my heart that it will turn around soon so she can have the happy, pain-free babyhood that she deserves. Thinking of you often xx

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  12. Just sending thoughts to you and your family. I am happy you have some support thru this difficult time.

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  13. I'm sorry things haven't been easier for you and your family. I hope your sweet baby girl is home with you soon, right where she belongs. I'm glad you're feeling supported right now, and hope you continue to be. I'll be thinking of you and your family, and sending strength to little Girl Wonder.

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  14. I'm sorry that Girl Wonder is struggling. I hope that she is able to head home with you guys soon. Sending healthy thoughts her way!!

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  15. Whatever balance of support and privacy you need, I wish you that and so much more. Holding you all in my thoughts and prayers... <3

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  16. Thinking of your family and Girl Wonder and asking the universe for her health and happiness.

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  17. Thinking of your family today, sending hugs, love and all the positive energy I can muster. So hoping you continue to feel supported, both her and in your immediate surroundings

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  18. Just thinking about Girl Wonder and hoping she is gaining strength and will be home soon. Sending love and healing thoughts

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  19. Sadie, I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you, your family and especially Girl Wonder. It is absolutely amazing what she has already overcome in her short life. She is absolutely an inspiration! I really hope she is well enough to go home soon. I'm so sorry her life is off to a bit of a bumpy start... but it sounds like she is one hell of a fighter. Sending you love always!

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  20. I am so glad that I can see your blog again! I have been reading all of your posts but none of the comments I write while on my iphone ever save. When I came for an update and I couldn't see your blog, I was so sad! I need my updates on Girl Wonder!

    I'm so glad that you have so much support and I hope, hope, hope that Girl Wonder is out of the hospital soon and at home with you.

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  21. Thinking of you today and sending virtual hugs- so hoping you continue to feel support from this online community as I know there are lots of us rooting for your family and especially for your sweet Girl Wonder

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  22. Hoping girl wonder is doing well and fighting like the champ she is!

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