Wednesday, 14 August 2013

In sum: good news and grey track suits

So, after leaving you all hanging with the mother of all scheduling dilemmas (and I just know you've been on tenterhooks waiting for news on both fronts), followed by my long radio silence, it would probably be easy for you to assume everything went disastrously belly up, nothing worked out, and that's why I've been so quiet and sad.

Not so. The short version (and fair warning - I'll get to a longer version at some point): the scheduling conflict got resolved. I went for the interview and got the job. And we're approved and headed for IVF.

Holy shit.

And also, what gives Sadie? Right? But the crux of the problem is, I can't seem to bring myself to care much about any of it.

Needless to say, there are big -- no, huge things in the works. This accounts in part for my absence - things have just been crazy busy in the midst of yet another move, and as I plan for this new role - but does not entirely account for the feelings of apathy I just can't seem to shake lately. I'm still untangling that one, so I guess you could say there's also a lot going on in Sadie Land emotionally and cognitively too. 

I'm struggling to pull myself up yet again from a very low place. The calendar's slow progression into August is partly responsible. August is the month in which we lost two pregnancies, and was the never achieved due date for the third. Not a great month in the annals of my sad reproductive history. 

It's not only the sadness though; that's always a little bit there, and honestly can be a huge source of motivation in my more ass-kicking, energetic moments. Instead, recently I feel like my ability to believe has become ever more compromised. I've been having trouble caring too. Metaphorically, I'm walking around in an over-sized grey track suit, like this, sort of meeting everything in my path with a meh attitude. It's not fun.

I know it doesn't make sense, at the precise moment when many of the things for which I have been lamenting seem to have fallen into place. I'll come back to that; for now all I can say is, it can get really exhausting to always look on the bright side, to stay positive, to find the stuff worth celebrating. I know it's there, but maybe I just needed some time to stop trying so hard. To crash and burn and then rebuild in order to find renewed energy. I dunno.

I am trying though, to rebuild, to tear off that track suit and climb back up again. I want to get back to blogging, because that's been such a source of catharsis and self-insight for me in the past. (Well, for a while there even that was making me feel worse - the happy news would make me feel lonely, and the bad news just made me feel sad, and so I'd go silent.) So I'm reaching up and out again.

I think I'm on my way back. Watch this space.

Bright colours and all, sometimes it's just hard. Source.


  1. CONGRATULATIONS!!! So thrilled that everything, scheduling-wise, worked out, that you got the job and approval for IVF :)

    So sorry that emotionally things are wonky. I think that what you said about it moving into August, and all those significant dates IS having an effect. I think, partly, it’s also the energy and effort that you’ve put in to get the job and get the approval and it may have been somewhat anti-climactic. Great, you have a new job, but now you have to learn the new job. Woo-hoo, you’re approved for IVF, but now you actually have to go through the IVF. I can understand how that can feel like you’re always working, working, working, but never getting anywhere. Like you said, it takes a lot out of you to always be working so hard.

    Hugs to you.

  2. Apathy is a hard emotional state to be in. Hopefully you're able to work your way back out soon, though I completely understand the time of year bringing it on.

  3. Oh, but this is such good news. Congratulations on the job, and I will be crossing my fingers for IVF.
    I hope August will be over soon, or at least, that you will feel better even before that.
    Maybe you really do need time / space to recharge energies and be ready for what's coming.
    Thinking of you.

  4. Congratulations, Sadie, this is wonderful news! I can very much understand about the feelings of apathy. I think it's a protective psychological response to long term pain. But I have a feeling there are wonderful things ahead for you!

  5. Well I'm glad things are moving forward, and I am happy to hear news of you, but I am really sorry you are in a tough place. I agree with Annie, I think it's a protective measure that those of us who have been in the trenches for far too long develop. I know that I myself have had some very dark times.

    I am sending you a huge hug and looking forward to reading more updates.

  6. Congratulations! I'm so glad things worked out on both fronts. I do know, though, how exhausting it can be to stay positive, especially at a time that is so emotionally draining. You'll get through this low spot, but I hope it gets easier soon!

  7. Woah, congrats on the job and yay for approval on IVF! I'm happy that things are moving forward, but sorry for how you've been feeling. Coming up on loss anniversaries can be so hard.

  8. Congratulations on all the good news! Totally, totally stellar stuff. But don't be too hard on yourself - you've been to hell and back and it makes good, rational sense that this month especially would be crazy hard and emotional. There also may be some unconscious level of self protection here - if you remain blase, a little bit detached, a little less excited, there is always less to lose. Hoping you emerge from this rough patch sooner rather than later and that you go easy on yourself in the meantime. We'll all be cheering you on - hugs!

  9. Congratulations on the new job and IVF approval! WOO HOO!

    There is a lot going on in your life with a new job and moving on to new treatments so feeling a little apathetic is probably your way with coping with all of the new things happening. We are here for you!

  10. Congrats on both amazing bits of news, talk about major life changes, right?!

    I'm really not looking forward to November or February for the same reasons you dread August. But, I'm so glad that this month and the near future are offering you such positive beacons of hope. I think better things are right around the corner, right? Rooting for you as always.

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