A Work in Progress?

So, last night I dreamt I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. 

You know how sometimes when you wake up in the morning you're not actually conscious of the stuff you dreamt the night before, and then it comes in little flashes of awareness through the day? So there I was sipping my decaf and munching my oatmeal and this image flashed through my brain. And I just kind of though, huh. Totally angst free.

It would be nice if such dreams were predictors of a pre-determined future, rather than just the expression of my deeply held desires which I spew across the interweb at any given chance. But the fact that I can take this expression as just that, or even as a pleasant little thought that puts a smile on my face? Well, I'll take it. As is.

 

*******************************************

Last night I realised I had run out of my usual conception/prenatal vitamins (which I've been taking for the better part of a year now - can you tell how well they're working?) at a time when it wasn't possible to pop out and buy more. And, instead of my usual oh-my-god-I-could-be-pregnant-and-I'll-miss-a-day-of-vitamins-and-probably-kill-the-chances-of-viability-for-this-maybe-pregnancy inner monologue freakout, I simply took a generic multi-vitamin that had the required amount of folic acid and happened to be lying in the cupboard, then made a note to pick up my usuals on my visit to the pharmacy tomorrow.

Progress in the Letting Go and Living in the Moment department, or encroaching hopelessness? I want something to feel proud of, and so I'm choosing the former.

I don't know if it's because, despite a dearth of clear answers, I kind of know this cycle is a bust, that we're on hold until my procedure next month and so maybe low expectations are my ally right now. But whatever.

 Latest scores: Neurotic brain - 0, Me - 2

Take that, brain! Source.

Edited to add: I forgot to say how grateful I am for all the positive, supportive feedback I received on yesterday's post. Knowing that there is this great group of warm, gutsy women out there who have my back and will take my crazy probably has a lot to do with keeping my neuroticbrain thoughts at bay. This blogging stuff really works!

Now We're Getting Somewhere

If you've been following along in the incipient stage of this blog and reading my rants and raves, you'll already know that I attribute all of my misfortunes to the NHS rather than my own dysfunctional lady parts. Well ok, not really. But truth be told, I haven't often felt very cared for, or my medical or emotional concerns very attended to in my recent dealings with them. But today, I am here somewhat sheepishly but delighted to (semi)retract my statements of discontent.

This morning we had to make a visit to our GP office to sign paperwork for the referral to a specialist (other than the one I'll finally see in a few weeks to discuss my polyp). We also had to schedule updated CD3 and CD 21 bloodwork, so that's happening.

The appointment didn't start so well. I have been peeved with this process, with the accumulation of too many months of inaction and too many disinterested medical practitioners, and so I think my default mode has recently been one of snarkiness in these situations. So when we sat down with the nurse practitioner to complete the intake questions, and her first one was 'Do you have any children?', my response in the negative - 'That's why we're here'. (Duh.) - might have been a little too far on the brittle crackly side of dry. H silently implored me from over the unsuspecting nurse's head to behave myself if we want to move forward with what we want to move forward with. (He has this whole crazy philosophy of not pissing people off if you want something from them...I know, right?).

OK, so we went through all the questions, reviewed my paltry history - 3 pregnancies, 0 live births - we scheduled the bloodwork. The nurse practitioner was a bit brusque in her manner, but I'm ok with that as long as we get something done. And then while she was sitting there appraising the situation, things started to shift, almost imperceptibly. She said she wondered why we were actually being referred for infertility rather than recurrent loss, because although there are clearly subfertility issues that are preventing us from moving forward, most of these seem to relate to the viability of our pregnancies and not, well, complete lack of conception. Good god, someone who not only actually took the time to read and think through our entire medical history, but who saw fit to analyse it and prescribe accordingly!*  Bells started going off in my brain. We told her that those were in fact our sentiments exactly, but that in our previous location no specialist support had been offered for RPL, and thus we'd been referred for fertility.

(A little background is probably in order here. On our last and only visit with a fertility specialist last autumn, we were told that our problem was not really one of fertility; that in fact we both looked fine in that department and clearly could conceive, and that our real issue was sustaining a healthy embryo/pregnancy. Then this advice was given: the doctor told us that we should keep trying naturally for 6-8 months and if we conceive in that time we should call right away so that we could be provided extra monitoring and support and that they might be able to get to the bottom of why I keep losing babies. Oh no wait that's my best-case-scenario brain talking! What they actually said was if, after a conception, I end up miscarrying again (reassurance and optimism incarnate, they were), we should 'save the tissue in a pot in the freezer so you can bring it in for testing at your next appointment'. Eight months later. Yep. Also, they said that after those 6-8 months - and remember they had just said conceiving isn't the issue for us - we should consider moving straight on to IVF. Whaa? Huh? Anyway, the overall impression was one of a conveyor belt, one-size-fits-all treatment regime. Not reassuring. And clearly not very compassionate.)  

In contrast, the nurse today said that she wanted to make sure we got the appropriate care, and not send us on a wild goose chase. She said to leave it with her and she'd make the right enquiries about where to start. This is, in a word, huge. At that point, as we were getting up to leave, I could already have hugged her. But as we were tripping over ourselves thanking her - you become so grateful of the simplest human gestures in these moments - she said, almost as an afterthought: 'I've been through IVF myself, so I know how important these things are'. She understands! I love this nurse, brusque manner and all. For this one appointment, the first time anyone has paid us and our concerns and our medical issues enough attention to really get things done, I love her. I would book all my future appointments according to her work schedule if I could.

So now we're awaiting a referral that might actually bring us towards some of the answers we need, and more important, a game plan for the future. I don't kid myself; this is still the NHS and that means a big waiting game for now, but to at least be heading in the right direction feels like a watershed. I'll nag about what's happening with the referral when I go for my CD21 bloodwork on Thursday and then, hope that we're on the road. After all this waiting! After so many months of feeling like we're stuck in a pinball machine, being randomly zinged from pillar to post! This could mean more coordinated care with, for example, the specialist I'll see for my polyp removal/investigation, as they're all located in the same women's hospital and often work together. If we do ultimately need to go down the IVF route - realistically, we may still be looking at this later in the year, considering how ancient we are - again, all the care would be coordinated. And the best thing is, with this arrangement, if we were lucky enough to get pregnant on our own, according to my new favourite person, there would be early and extra monitoring available. (First trimester care generally suuucks here, in my experience). Seriously, this is crucial for my emotional health, if not my physical.

After so long kinda spinning our wheels, I'm a little bit hopeful and so heartened by such a simple exchange. This feels like progress. This feels like a beginning...of something.

Fingers crossed. Source.

* Is it just me, or is it often the less acknowledged, more poorly paid professional who steps up on these occassions?

Pomegranates and Tandoor Naan

Because there's nothing like a cervical exam, or report thereof, to work up an appetite. And because, to paraphrase the charming Sarah at Fallopian Groove, it's my blog and I'll cook if I want to. Beside, Blogger Stats have spoken and (gasp!) it seems you are all more interested in my fish tacos than my cervix anyway can never go wrong with a recipe. Even on a blog about the awfulness that is infertility and miscarriage. I'm nothing if not well-rounded.

So, last night I attended a work function where people brought an over-abundance of food, and I ended up leaving with an armload of freshly baked but untouched Lebanese bread like these ones:

Amazing when fresh from the oven like these were

If you're lucky enough to have an awesome Middle Eastern grocery of delights nearby as we do, then you may even be able to find something similar. Pita bread or ready-made Indian naan bread to serve with this salad would also work nicely though. I'm hesitant to even call this a recipe, because really you just chuck everything into a bowl and stir. But if it inspires a little weekend creativity, then so much the better.

Pomegranates are at the very last of their growing season now, and I plan to make the most of what's left. I'm addicted to pomegranates. I guess most people in the west think of them as a beautiful if slightly odd super fruit, but when I lived in the Middle East I was introduced to them in a whole plethora of previously unexpected places; rice pilau, chicken stew, salsa for BBQ'd meat, sauce for stuffed vine leaves. The mouthwatering list goes on... One of my loveliest memories is of warm nights in the bazaar - that uniquely  smokey quality to the air from all the open grills, the brightly lit stalls - when, after long days hiding from the blazing sun people would spill out onto the streets. Especially during Ramadan, these late evenings always had a festive air about them, and the refreshment of choice was often freshly squeezed pomegranate juice (which is consumed there with a healthy sprinkling of salt to counter the sweet/sour). So these weighty, voluptuous, fairytale fruits hold equally weighty and wonderful connotations for me.

I had a pomegranate lying around last night, so dinner became the tandoor-baked bread, some hummous, and this pomegranate salad.


Pomegranate Salad

• Seeds of one large pomegranate
• 1 green bell pepper, finely chopped
• 1 red bell pepper, finely chopped
• Large handful of parsley, chopped
• Large handful of mint, chopped
• 1/4 cup toasted walnuts, chopped
• Three green onions, thinly sliced (finely chopped red onion would work equally well)
• 1 chilli, finely chopped (seeds removed if you don't like too spicy)
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 2 tbsp pomegranate molasses
• Juice of half a lemon
• Salt and pepper to taste
• Sumac or dried lime powder also make wonderful seasonings in this dish, if you can get your hands on them

Like I said, just toss it all into a bowl and stir. We had ours with the bread and hummous, but this goes equally well as a salsa with roast or grilled meats, and is awesome with dry fried halloumi or feta.

Now I'm off to drink my vile-tasting-but-hopefully-helpful Chinese medicinal tea. Well, I guess you have to have some bitter along with the sweet, don't you? Have a lovely weekend people!

The finished product

Welcome, ICLWers!

Thanks for stopping by! I am new to blogging, if not the land of infertility and loss, and this is my first ICLW. I'm hoping to reach out to fellow travellers on this journey and maybe make some new blogging friends, so do pull up a seat, the kettle's on.

Although I know it's kinda orthodoxy in these parts, you won't find a ttc timeline here, mostly because - as with every other aspect of my life - our journey towards a family has been anything but linear and anyway, I already spend too much time in real life being hyper-vigilant about my often disobedient body.

We lost our beautiful son, a first and easily achieved pregnancy, in 2010 at 17 weeks gestation, and have since experienced the frustration and sadness of subfertility and recurrent loss. We've also been rather itinerant during that time (from Europe to North America and back, with shorter stops in the Middle East and Asia), which has its ups and downs but has ultimately brought us many amazing adventures. We hope for 2013 to bring us some clearer sense of direction, while I use this space to record my thoughts on this process and keep them in order.

This is also a space where I honour my grief, celebrate my  love for my son, confide my fledgling hopes to the ether, and occasionally rant about the world's injustices. Oh yeah, there's cooking too.

You're stopping by as we approach an intersection; we're eager to know what the future holds both in terms of the possibility of assisted reproduction, and for life in general. At the moment, some ultimately minor but currently frustrating medical stuff has us spinning our wheels without getting many answers, but we've decided to go maverick anyway and throw our sperm hats in the ring this month. In fact, I'm probably ovulating as we speak, so...Er...if you'll excuse me, you can talk amongst yourselves.

Source

Well, I'm glad I asked then!

In all the recent excitement about presents and awards and wondrous surprises, both random and rather more expected, I have completely overlooked the report on my last doctor's appointment. (Because the internet provides me nothing if not the folly that other peoples' thoughts besides my own spin around the state of my cervix). But well, really, that's also because there's not much to tell. Nonetheless, read and rage with me a moment, won't you?

So I made it to my GP's office (because in this land of NHS referrals you don't get the opportunity to speak directly to a specialist and just ask the straightforward question pertaining to the procedure you're due to have in a mere five - ok, three now - weeks) to discuss the relationship of the surprise discovery during my recent cervical exam to this current cycle.

We're at a new(ish) practice, and you get seen by whoever's on that day, and our conversation with that day's whoever (because honestly, I had trouble believing that her medical qualifications were earned anyplace but the DeVry Institute of Technology*) can be summarized as follows:

Any number of questions I had...

Could this polyp, and not, as I had been told, my miscarriage last August, account for my wonky cycles the last several months?

Do they often materialize that quickly? (Remembering my HSG and uncountable pelvic exams in the last six months)

Will this jeapordize our ttc attempts for the coming cycle?

If we were to become pregnant, could it put the pregnancy at risk?

...were met with a stock answer:

'Again, I really don't know. That's something you'll have to ask the specialist'. In a mere five three weeks. After this cycle has come and gone. Seriously, I've never heard such a continous string of 'I don't knows'.

So yeah, that happened. Thanks for comin' out folks.

The good news is that the results from the original smear test came back normal, meaning there is almost certainly nothing of concern with regards the polyp itself. That was really scary, so...Phew. I'm still hoping ('cause hope springs eternal) to get some insight into how this may be implicated in (and potentially even resolve) our struggles to conceive over the last months. But - as I've been reminded again and again by my caregivers (let's use the term loosely) - that will have to wait.

So I'm hoping, in the coming days and weeks** for more little surprises, or at least shiny things, to keep me busy.

Feel like I'm hitting one. Source.

* If you actually earned any of your degrees there, and are reading this...Well, sorry.


**Because there's also that other, more familiar kind of waiting just around the corner.

A special gift

Today I received a wonderful gift in the mail. The beautiful, generous heart that is Angie at still life with circles has painted a mizuko jizo as part of a meditation she is doing in remembrance of lost babies, and I am touched and honoured that she included S.

Angie writes:

Jizos are bodhisattvas primarily associated with the dead, and particularly are protectors of women and children. A bodhisattva is a person who attains enlightenment (released from the fetters of the cycle of birth and rebirth), but chooses to be born again to help others achieve enlightenment. Mizuko is technically translated as "water child", because certain Japanese Buddhists believe that "existence flows into being slowly, like liquid". Mizuko is the name used for miscarried, aborted, and stillborn babies. Mizuko jizos are unique to Japanese Buddhism.

I developed a fascination with the mizuko jizo after losing S. (You can read a thoughtful and touching article on the topic here, written by Peggy Orenstein after she had suffered her second miscarriage while working in Japan). I now have a little collection scattered throughout our home; in flower pots, on the kitchen window sill, by the door to greet me when I return from work. They are little talismans that bring me peace and connect me to the watery, floating, ethereal in-between world I imagine S occupying when I think of this tradition.

I now have one more to add. Such a treasured gift, for me and for my little water baby. Thank you Angie. Your compassion and talent have brought gifts to many through so much grief.

A mizuko jizo for S

As evidence that my life does not centre exclusively on my reproductive organs: Liebster

 

Two of my lovely new blogging friends, Amanda at Poppies and Ice Cream and Daryl at Something Out of Nothing recently nominated me for a Liebster blog award. Thank you ladies, you're too sweet! The idea is to circulate and increase the readership of smaller blogs; so I answer the questions put to me by Daryl and Amanda, and then come up with questions of my own to forward to bloggers of my choosing. So, since it's the weekend and I'm a bit too pleasantly brain dead to offer up anything either witty or deep, I hope some random, mundane little facts about yours truly will entertain for the evening.

This reminds me a bit of that game we used to play at summer camp, where you had to go around a circle and tell two things about yourself that were true, and one that was a lie, at which point everyone else had to guess which was which. I promise that what you get here is the (partial) truth and nothing but the truth. However, since I'm a newbie at this, I may blatantly disregard the rules ad hoc this process a little. I'm cherry picking on the questions. Here goes...

 

Amanda's Questions

Which is your favorite book? (As an aside, I have such a hard time with all these ‘favorite’ questions, because it’s just too damned hard to choose, so I’m going to be cheating on all these…) It’s impossible for me to choose just one, and I go through phases, like in high school I was a bit preoccupied with the works of Simone de Beauvoir.  After my first loss, the novel The Red Tent meant a great deal to me. Some of my favourite authors these days are Haruki Murakami, David Mitchell, A.A. Milne, Michele Foucault, Arundhati Roy, C.S. Lewis and Jeffrey Eugenides.

 

What is your favorite place in the World? I have a special place in my heart for the Austrian Alps, as that’s where my love story with H blossomed and where we’ve spent many an idyllic hiking holiday since. The Raja Ampat Islands are one of the most breathtaking places I’ve ever seen. And I'd go back to India again and again.


Do you have a job / are you happy with it? I have a job now that's kind of freelance and temporary. It's not what I was trained to do, but truth be told, my work stopped meaning quite so much to me since having and losing my son. I love the volunteer work that I currently do, which is with homeless people and refugees/asylum seekers.


Can you maybe share a recipe? I already have, here. Also, we tried this last week (I am mildly obsessed with Yotam Ottolenghi) and it was amazing. Sounds a bit odd at first, but just go try it people. You’re welcome.

 

And your favorite cartoon as a child?, It’s not a cartoon, but I’ve already mentioned my deep affection for Fraggle Rock. Also, for those Canadians reading, I was an ardent Mr. Dressup fan as a preschooler and beyond. For non-Canadians, this was a Canadian Broadcasting Corp show hosted by a guy who (surprise) wore lots of costumes and dealt in boosting self esteem and arts and craftiness. Pure, heartwarming gold. As far as cartoons, it would have to be Barbapapas. In an effort to dote on my inner child and cling to the last vestiges of my youth, I still have quite a bit of memorabilia from that show, in the form of toothbrush holders, handbags, socks...

 

What about your favorite movie? I love the films of Wes Anderson, Wong Kar-wai and Michele Gondry. And nearly anything starring Seth Rogan or Will Ferrell.

 

What is your most vivid childhood memory? My earliest memory is of a little fuzzy blue rabbit given to me as a gift by some relatives visiting from Scotland, which I remember holding onto proudly and tightly while being wheeled around in my stroller. I think I was about 18 months. I have no idea what ever happened to that little guy.

Daryl's Questions 

Where do you fall in your family’s birth order (first, middle, youngest, only child), and do you fit the “profile” for that position? I am the second of five and the first daughter. In some ways, I’m as stereotypically responsible and domesticated as you’d expect from that family role, but in other ways my adult life has been an opportunity to change direction from that. I’m seen as the crazy adventurous one in my branch of the family tree.

 
If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would be cast in the starring role? I’d love for it to be Isabella Rossellini, (because I think she’s quirky and intellectual and glamorous in exactly the kinds of ways I aspire to be), but if I weren’t responsible for casting it’d probably be Tina Fey.

 

Who has more fun: blondes, redheads, or brunettes? See answer to question 2.

Tell me about your first crush. You can read about my newest crush (kinda), here. But as far as firsts go, during a family holiday to Montreal to visit family friends, I married my best friend Christopher in a beautiful ceremony in his treehouse. We were five, and a stuffed monkey officiated.

What’s the first thing people notice about you? I’ve been told it’s that I’m instantly outgoing and very smiley, but that might be polite code for loud and overbearing. I tend to think my most striking physical feature is what people have affectionately called my 'Jewish nose' (yeah, someone I didn't know too well actually said that to me), of which I have to say am particularly proud.

If you could live 1000 years, would you? Nope. I already feel enough like a grumpy old lady some days, pining for how things were ‘back in the day’. I’m lucky to have a gene pool which seems to favour long life though, so I’m hoping to get a good 90 odd out of my normal-length life!

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? Just before starting university, I spent a summer working on a development project in the Solomon Islands, where local families would often cook us mealworm grubs. Not as bad as it sounds, and a great source of protein!
 
If you could change one thing about your partner, what would it be? I don’t want to make you all gag but there is honestly not a thing. We’ve been through such profound changes together, that we’ve grown into perfectly matched puzzle pieces, quirks and all. We love each others' imperfections.

 

 

And my questions are (no, I don't have 11. I told you I wasn't a rule follower)…

1. Did you have an imaginary friend growing up?

2. If you had to pick: Museum/Gallery, or Great Outdoors?

3. City or countryside?

 

4. Is there a particular artist whose work really speaks to you? 

5. What place have you travelled that you wanted to return to again and again?

6. If you could invite anyone, living or dead, who would be on the guest list for your dream dinner party?

7. What made you decide to start blogging?

8. Hallowe'en/fancy dress costume of choice? 

 

9. And I'm totally stealing Amanda's idea, because I want more recipes for my collection. So pretty please, share one if you can?

I'm nominating (feel free to follow along or ignore as the mood takes you)::

 

Sally at The Benefit of Birdsong

JenS at Overworked Ovaries

Gradual Changes at Just Another Infertility Blog

Rain Before Rainbow

Sarah at Fallopian Groove
Ready for My Turn

 

 

Tag! You're it ladies.