So, last night I dreamt I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive.
You know how sometimes when you wake up in the morning you're not actually conscious of the stuff you dreamt the night before, and then it comes in little flashes of awareness through the day? So there I was sipping my decaf and munching my oatmeal and this image flashed through my brain. And I just kind of though, huh. Totally angst free.
It would be nice if such dreams were predictors of a pre-determined future, rather than just the expression of my deeply held desires which I spew across the interweb at any given chance. But the fact that I can take this expression as just that, or even as a pleasant little thought that puts a smile on my face? Well, I'll take it. As is.
Last night I realised I had run out of my usual conception/prenatal vitamins (which I've been taking for the better part of a year now - can you tell how well they're working?) at a time when it wasn't possible to pop out and buy more. And, instead of my usual oh-my-god-I-could-be-pregnant-and-I'll-miss-a-day-of-vitamins-and-probably-kill-the-chances-of-viability-for-this-maybe-pregnancy inner monologue freakout, I simply took a generic multi-vitamin that had the required amount of folic acid and happened to be lying in the cupboard, then made a note to pick up my usuals on my visit to the pharmacy tomorrow.
Progress in the Letting Go and Living in the Moment department, or encroaching hopelessness? I want something to feel proud of, and so I'm choosing the former.
I don't know if it's because, despite a dearth of clear answers, I kind of know this cycle is a bust, that we're on hold until my procedure next month and so maybe low expectations are my ally right now. But whatever.
Latest scores: Neurotic brain - 0, Me - 2
|Take that, brain! Source.|