Wednesday, 27 February 2013

A Work in Progress?

So, last night I dreamt I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. 

You know how sometimes when you wake up in the morning you're not actually conscious of the stuff you dreamt the night before, and then it comes in little flashes of awareness through the day? So there I was sipping my decaf and munching my oatmeal and this image flashed through my brain. And I just kind of though, huh. Totally angst free.

It would be nice if such dreams were predictors of a pre-determined future, rather than just the expression of my deeply held desires which I spew across the interweb at any given chance. But the fact that I can take this expression as just that, or even as a pleasant little thought that puts a smile on my face? Well, I'll take it. As is.
 

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Last night I realised I had run out of my usual conception/prenatal vitamins (which I've been taking for the better part of a year now - can you tell how well they're working?) at a time when it wasn't possible to pop out and buy more. And, instead of my usual oh-my-god-I-could-be-pregnant-and-I'll-miss-a-day-of-vitamins-and-probably-kill-the-chances-of-viability-for-this-maybe-pregnancy inner monologue freakout, I simply took a generic multi-vitamin that had the required amount of folic acid and happened to be lying in the cupboard, then made a note to pick up my usuals on my visit to the pharmacy tomorrow.

Progress in the Letting Go and Living in the Moment department, or encroaching hopelessness? I want something to feel proud of, and so I'm choosing the former.

I don't know if it's because, despite a dearth of clear answers, I kind of know this cycle is a bust, that we're on hold until my procedure next month and so maybe low expectations are my ally right now. But whatever.

 Latest scores: Neurotic brain - 0, Me - 2


Take that, brain! Source.
Edited to add: I forgot to say how grateful I am for all the positive, supportive feedback I received on yesterday's post. Knowing that there is this great group of warm, gutsy women out there who have my back and will take my crazy probably has a lot to do with keeping my neuroticbrain thoughts at bay. This blogging stuff really works!

12 comments:

  1. I have read a lot of times of girls dreaming positive pregnancy tests and then getting pregnant, so who knows. At the same time I have been convinced this was it at least 4 times, so I really don't know how early pregnancy will feel, specially because a lot of symptoms are basically equivalent to PMS.
    About the folic acid, it is mostly needed to prevent spina bifida and the spine is formed later, at least after your missed period, so somewhere in the middle of the cycle will not affect. Wishing you all the best, and you know , like a friend told me today: "I don-t believe in miracles, I RELY on them" (I believe it is a quote from some yogi). And life is a miracle in itself and something in me strongly believes that if we have this yearning, in the end it will happen. I might be delusional but I have to make my own little crazy theories to keep up hoping and after so many months you have to get creative (after oma/grandma died I was convinced she would send our baby over from the other side immediately, and it did not happen. In hindsight I was expecting immediate action as a way to save myself from treatment because I really fought against it last year).
    Anyhow, sorry for the novel here. Just know that you are in my thoughts and that I am hoping for the best.

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    1. I think that's just it: like you, I have had several occassions where I was SURE this was our month, and well, we see where that got us...But at the same time, it's the possibility of those beautiful dreams that keeps us going I think. Anyway, I was just pleased that I could enjoy the moment and the thought and not let it get me to obsessing about whether (again!) this was 'it'. Thanks for your thoughts, I'm hoping the best for both of us!

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  2. Crossing my fingers that this dream becomes reality soon!

    I'm TTC too, and by that I mean I'm trying to not drive myself crazy. Lately I've been focusing on other goals because I've come to realize that conceiving is not really in my control and it's kind of pointless to stress over. xx

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    1. TTC and trying not to go crazy are not easy bed fellows! Letting go of the control is a first step I think, that's where I am too. Realizing that my random irrational thoughts aren't (always) controlling my actions is a good feeling. I have my fingers crossed for both of us!

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  3. Amanda is right. And actually the ONLY time I dreamed of a positive test, I actually WAS (am) pregnant. Sooo....who knows. Also, you could be right about the low expectations working in your favor. Maybe once you Let Go, something will happen?

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    1. Who knows, you DO hear such stories, and now yours has got me thinking it's not only a crazy urban legend. As for me, I'm not holding my breath. But I like connecting with the part of my brain that gives me the permission to have those dreams, if that makes sense.

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  4. Oh, how I wish dreams did come true, but only the good dreams, right? Sometimes it give your mind a rest when you know that you’re on hold, instead of in the middle of a cycle and desperately hoping that this one will be THE ONE.

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    1. The rest and off time are much needed! Mind you, I feel like it's been a long time since I actively, desperately hoped it would be 'The One'. Which is liberating, in its own particular way.

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  5. I had a few dreams about being pregnant in the first few months after Jacob was born. i was so happy in the dream, then woke up and was devastated. But they were in the first 2-3 months after losing him. I'm glad that that dream didn't cause you such pain. I like to look at it as a predictor of the future.

    I'm glad you could just switch pills without worrying. It's a big deal to get over that hump of feeling like you may have just ruined everything and just dealing with it like a non- babyloss mom would. It is nice when the worrying about everything upsides a bit.

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    1. I hope you're right about the predictor of the future part Dana. In your case, it certainly was! :) And yes, it's so nice when the worry falls away, and I guess you're right that a lot of it has to do with the experience of loss.

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  6. It's crazy, right? Like out of a bad sitcom or a romantic comedy. But the only positive pregnancy test I've ever gotten, was the test I took in the middle of the night/very early morning after dreaming that I tested positive. It sounded so hokey and contrived that I hesitated to even share the premonition but it really happened. Sometimes these bodies of ours do crazy, insightful things. Fingers crossed this is a harbinger of good things to come!

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    1. Crazy is right, but as you and JustMe both prove, sometimes truth is crazier than hokey rom com. I'm a big believer in the mind/body connection. It's believing that my own body will do something nice for me that's the tricky part. Premonitions and symptoms and really, my own body, have been such deceitful b*tches with me in the past! Sigh.

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