Monday, 4 February 2013

TTSH while TTC

Trying to stay hopeful. Is there a short form for this in the acronym-ridden world of infertility? Because there should be; it's a constant struggle. TTSH. I usually start off well enough, with self assurances that we've given it our all, fledgling hopes that our number could, just maybe, get called this time. And then as the time crawls on I waver and I doubt and (try to) prepare myself for the disappointment I'm sure is to come, until my flip-flopping all over the place is enough to convince me that these mood swings are a decisive harbinger of Day One's imminent arrival.

The last few days have been a mixed bag. Friday I managed to spend a lovely evening with H and all but banish any two week wait thinking from my mind. Saturday was a disaster from start to finish though, not helped by random circumstances of proportions so annoying I really reached she-devil state.

I got up early and peed on a stick, which of course was crazy because I couldn't have been more than 10 days past ovulation. I think (well, I know) I do this as a means to just get the inevitable heart fall out of the way as quickly as possible, which is incredibly stupid given the fact that a negative so early just leaves room for thoughts along the lines of exactly that; it's too early to confirm. Anyway, naturally that stark single line put me in a foul mood, and so naturally I picked a fight with poor H. It's ok, he's endlessly understanding and we patched it up quickly.

I then logged into my online banking account to take care of some bills, only to be greeted with this image in their advertisement for mortgage banking:

It's so ideal! Source.


Seriously, Bank? I just wanna pay my f#&king rent! I get it, this is the image for which we are all supposed to strive; first-time buyers' mortgage, life insurance, laughy, loving, baby-on-the-way, billboard-worthy marriage. Puke. We really are surrounded.

This all culminated in the malfunction, on Saturday evening and through the night, of our building's fire alarm, so that at regular intervals from 9pm onwards the whole building was disturbed by ear-piercing wails which then woke us with great regularity through the wee hours (I still have the ringing ears to prove it, though they are toiling away to rectify the problem as I type). So yeah, I was lovely come yesterday morning.

Luckily, some yoga and a long Sunday hike through the uncharacteristically sunny countryside, through meadows and along a beautiful stretch of windswept beach, followed by time in the kitchen preparing one of my absolute favourite dinners, helped unwind me, such that the crap mood instigated by the negative pee stick is a distant memory and I'm back to my unrealistic levels of hopefulness. Full circle! Trying - in the face of what's clearly a pretty substantial level of mental instability, really - to stay hopeful.

I'm in such a good mood now that I'm probably even going to share the recipe for said dinner.




Some friendly picnic-ers we met while walking

12 comments:

  1. I feel like I could have written this. Word for word, from testing early (I tested on 7dpo. Hahahaha!), to getting into a bad mood, to picking a fight. Know you are not alone. In any of this shit.

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    1. Thanks. It is all really shit, but it helps to have others who understand, even if I wish none of us had to.

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  2. I have certainly picked my fair share of fights. My husband is a saint sometimes.

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    1. I think sometimes we forget how much they suffer too. Poor guys, we're lucky to have 'em!

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  3. Oh the two week wait....torture. Pure torture. I'm glad your husband is so understanding. We all need that sometimes. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks for the support. It is torturous, which is why - as itemized - I try to pre-empt the waiting. In good months I think to myself 'one cycle closer to my eventual conception cycle'. Sometimes it works!

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  4. I also tested super early this last cycle, and I did it for the exact same reason. It's terrible, but it also makes sense in a way. You can let yourself down slowly. On 10 dpo, you're really hopeful. Then you test, and it's negative. But your hope is only diminished by about half, because you know it's too early. Then you do it again. And maybe again. It's like easing yourself into cold water instead of jumping in all at once!

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    1. You know, I'd never thought of it that way before, but your explanation makes perfect sense. And makes me feel less crazy! Thanks for stopping by.

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  5. Ugh. Some days you just cannot escape the pregnant people. I want to slap the couple in this add. I must be having an especially bitter day!

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    1. The rational part of me totally knows they're doing it for advertising, and so they have to pose...But really, they ARE the image of smug pregnant people, aren't they? Just another reminder of exactly how 'normal' this is for everyone else :(

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  6. I have felt bombarded by babies/pregnancies today, and it definitely makes it easier to slide into that familiar foul mood. I'm glad you're feeling better today!

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    1. Thanks, it's ups and downs, you know the drill. I totally thought of your 'generalized bitchiness disorder' diagnosis when I was in my mood! Haha.

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