Panic averted ,and gratitude

Really, thank you all for stopping by to commiserate and becalm my fears yesterday. It was really just what I needed to hear. After taking a while to chill out yesterday afternoon, and heeding the wise and warm advice of Kimberly and JenS (thank you ladies!), and just the right approach from H (more of which in a moment), I was able to calm down and see this diagnosis for what it is. That is to say, really truly, probably nothing. And a little research this time did actually help to assuage my panic.

Some sites (oh ok, wikipedia) suggest that only 1% of polyps are malignant. Then there is this probably more reliable but slightly less reassuring site, which observes that polyps are 'often benign' (how often we don't know, because like good medical professionals and unlike wikipedia, they don't want to play the numbers game). Thing is, I don't have any of the symptoms they're outlining, which I'm thinking is a good thing.

There are a few particulars about this situation though that probably help to explain my strong reaction. Firstly, my complicated medical history; namely the fact that I am already a cancer survivor, (yes, babyloss mom and 'terminal' cancer survivor...I sure can't complain that life has been boring, however much I wish I sometimes could! But I'm getting off track, and that's a whole different post). The fact is, the statistics for any potential malignancy, for the rest of my days, are slightly skewed, slightly different for me than they would be for someone who had never been previously diagnosed. Not terrible, but slightly higher. In my past GP practices they would have flagged this immediately, but (again, lovely NHS), these new doctors since my return to the UK seem not to be concerned. OK, I guess I'll have to deal. I can do this.

But more to the point, and something to which I am sure readers of this blog can relate, it's the uncertainty of the waiting as it relates to ttc, infertility, and those monthly hopes-too-often-dashed by what can feel like piles of random bad luck. This is something I have a little more trouble dealing with. You see, a little more basic research (touchingly conducted by H) revealed that cervical polyps, even if they cause no real health risk to a woman, can cause problems with fertility because they interfere with movement of sperm through the cervix as well as implantation, and that if you do conceive, you may be at a heightened risk of miscarriage. Suddenly a whole new set of red flags are going off in relation to my more recent history...

Now the thing is, I last underwent one of many pelvic exams back in November of last year, prior to an HSG which showed no abnormalities with either my tubes or uterus (other than a small, apparently inconsequential fibroid). No one mentioned anything about my cervix. So this leads me to a new set of musings, that go something like this: either I've been dealing with medical practitioners so careless as to have thought that for a woman undergoing subfertility testing and experiencing recurrent miscarriage, cervical polyps were not worthy of note (!!), but treatment of which, had care been directed otherwise, could possibly have averted our months upon months of fruitless ttc and at least my most recent early miscarriage last August (I know, I know...all those 'what ifs'...). Or if not, then this sucker just sprung from nowhere and grew quickly. And maybe I'm still overreacting, but neither is an option that really allays my concerns in relation to baby making.

Why does this all have to be so complicated for some of us?

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In any case, H had just the right words to dissipate this feeling of uncertainty and worry last night. I had called him at his office to rant discuss the situation, and when he arrived home, bunch of cheery tulips in arm, he was armed with lots of information on the link with infertility/miscarriage. (Sometimes his slightly obsessive penchant for planning comes in handy). He pointed out that while it's frustrating to think back on time we might have 'wasted' (is there really such a thing?), on the up side this looks like a potentially simple answer for some of the weirdness and disappointment we've experienced in recent months. He may have a point there. It would be great if that annoying little thing provided us with some answers, if for once things really weren't that complicated.

I'll continue waiting for the letter with my appointment to arrive, along with that other wait. Luckily I have a date with my husband tonight, which gives me the excuse to sparkle a bit, and lots of hiking planned for this weekend, if the weather holds. (And if need be, I have this space to pour my fears and worries). So really, things aren't bad at all.

Blooms to bring spring to my worried soul