So yes, we want 2013 to be different in terms of how we approach it. But of course that's easier said than done. The last
We're still trying though, with the attitude stuff. We both realised it was a make or break situation. As a result, our marriage is in a better place than it has been in ages; less tension, more romance and a genuine sense of intimacy and shared purpose. I'm getting as healthy as I can be, in mind, body and spirit. After some holiday eating decadence, I'm in January detox mode (facilitated by our lovely weekly organic veg box delivery). I can't believe it's been a whole year since I quit caffeine completely (I don't really miss it anymore!). I visited a naturopath and started taking a 'mood essence', which together with some hard emotional work really does seem to have done wonders for my spirits. I'm getting back to regular yoga practice and acupuncture. It all feels good.
And yet none of this was enough to keep me blissfully slumbering through the wee hours of last night. In fact, I had one of the poorest sleeps I've had since before the holidays, wide awake and staring at the ceiling, finding all kinds of things to worry about before its even time to do so. Fear, doubt and uncertainty, my unwelcome companions on this journey, ease up alongside me unbidden. I tossed and I turned and questioned: what if there won't be another baby? What if I waited too long, got too old, and have mis-spent my last chances? What if we don't manage to find new jobs after H's contract here runs out? What about my immigration status in that case, will we have to return to Canada? And on, and on....Like I said, there's still a lot to work through.
But after a crappy start to the day, this afternoon seems much better; I walked through the snow, did lots of yoga, and am writing here, all of which seem to help. So for now I guess it's just a question of daily vigilance, really digging into my resilience, and putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to shake off these pursuers.
I'm not naive. I know it's just the turning of a page, an arbitrary way to propel ourselves forward and look ahead with a greater sense of hope. But we've got to try something, start somewhere, because I'm really not willing to live with these unwelcome companions any longer.
Edited to add: And speaking of arbitrary, apparently there might be a perfectly scientific explanation with which to validate my low mood today. Except, not.