Monday, 21 January 2013

My long-time companions

For the past few weeks, H and I have repeatedly said to each other that we want 2013 to be different. We really want things to get better. Not that we expect things we both know are beyond our control to suddenly go our way, but we both realised that throughout much of 2012, as we sank deeper into the waters of infertility, and then faced another loss, we had begun to drift -- away from our shared dreams, away of any will to actively pursue them, and most alarmingly to drift away from each other. The last few months have been a necessary wake-up call for us.

So yes, we want 2013 to be different in terms of how we approach it. But of course that's easier said than done. The last year 24 months have been replete with suckiness. And yet I'm not naive enough to believe that the simple turning of a page on the calender can suddenly shift things for us in anything but attitude. 2010 was both the best and worst year of my life; it was the year in which we had, and then lost, S. We started 2011 clinging to some vestiges of hopeful naivety, ready to ttc again in the new year...only to wait a full 10 months before a positive pregnancy test, and have it snatched away again a few short weeks later. I miscarried at 7 weeks, 10 days before Christmas. So the holidays last year sucked, and we clung to each other with the mantra that 2012 had to be our year. It turned out to be the year of exhaustive fertility testing, which has turned up only that we are two relatively healthy people with a long string of shit luck. And in August, one more cruel tease of a positive pregnancy test which was even more short-lived than the last.

We're still trying though, with the attitude stuff. We both realised it was a make or break situation. As a result, our marriage is in a better place than it has been in ages; less tension, more romance and a genuine sense of intimacy and shared purpose. I'm getting as healthy as I can be, in mind, body and spirit. After some holiday eating decadence, I'm in January detox mode (facilitated by our lovely weekly organic veg box delivery). I can't believe it's been a whole year since I quit caffeine completely (I don't really miss it anymore!). I visited a naturopath and started taking a 'mood essence', which together with some hard emotional work really does seem to have done wonders for my spirits. I'm getting back to regular yoga practice and acupuncture. It all feels good.

And yet none of this was enough to keep me blissfully slumbering through the wee hours of last night. In fact, I had one of the poorest sleeps I've had since before the holidays, wide awake and staring at the ceiling, finding all kinds of things to worry about before its even time to do so. Fear, doubt and uncertainty, my unwelcome companions on this journey, ease up alongside me unbidden. I tossed and I turned and questioned: what if there won't be another baby? What if I waited too long, got too old, and have mis-spent my last chances? What if we don't manage to find new jobs after H's contract here runs out? What about my immigration status in that case, will we have to return to Canada? And on, and on....Like I said, there's still a lot to work through.

But after a crappy start to the day, this afternoon seems much better; I walked through the snow, did lots of yoga, and am writing here, all of which seem to help. So for now I guess it's just a question of daily vigilance, really digging into my resilience, and putting one foot in front of the other. I'm trying to shake off these pursuers.

I'm not naive. I know it's just the turning of a page, an arbitrary way to propel ourselves forward and look ahead with a greater sense of hope. But we've got to try something, start somewhere, because I'm really not willing to live with these unwelcome companions any longer.

Edited to add: And speaking of arbitrary, apparently there might be a perfectly scientific explanation with which to validate my low mood today. Except, not.


  1. sorry about your visit from 'uncertainty.' That is teh worst for me. My therapist says I am better at handling disappoitment than uncertainty, and she is right. It is the toughest part of this journey for me, the questions and ont knowing. Sounds like you are doing so many things that are good for your body an your mind! I hope that there will be a residule or build up effect! Unfortunatly, uncertainty wil always be a part of this jouney (as well as the next journey, parenthood)but you should be proud that you are doing all of those things to take care of yourself!!

    1. I know just what you mean. I sometimes feel like if I had a crystal ball and could see five years into the future, I might be able to stop all the worrying and just enjoy (even if I saw it didn't hold any children for us). But while trying, I'm also plagued by all kinds of insane little worries about how my routine activities may be doing something unforseen to scupper my odds. Learning to stay in the moment is really the key, but easier said than done! Thanks for stopping by.

  2. I have discovered that life will always throw something at me to try to knock me off course but it's when I sit back and let all the stresses and worries dance in the air around me that I realise what really matters is that I'm happy inside and smiling still. It's really hard to be at peace with yourself and life when you're facing infertility and loss. I hope this year, whatever happens that you're able to hold onto that peace and just center inside. That's the only way I can describe it, traveling inwards and staying still at the centre. Letting the world move on and take care of itself. That's what I practice everyday. Even when I'm stressing at work. So far it's helping millions. No pit of despair near.

    1. I'm working on this with a return to meditation, which helps a lot once I let my mind go quiet. Again, just being in the moment... I'm so pleased to hear that you're keeping the pit at bay, I hope this continues for you!


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