Monday, 30 September 2013

Not just an urban legend: finally getting there

So yeah, it appears it's not just an urban legend. Those people who get pregnant on the eve of IVF? Looks like I might be one of them after all (though in our case it's not so much 11th hour before treatment as it is undetermined hour).

This morning - four tense, nauseous, skirting-around-the-issue, anticipatory-yet-slyly-optimistic days after a missed period - there was this:

Obligatory pee stick shot

And suddenly the world feels more brightly coloured and more rife with hazards than it has for a very long time. I'm anxious and ecstatic and, and, and....I just don't know how I'm going to do this.

I think I don't so much need your congratulations at this point, as your strength and hope and calming presence.

Every moment feels like it's crawling along. This is going to be a long wait. Hopefully really long; like, eight months long.

hopeterrorhopeterrorhopeterrorhopeterrorhopeterrorhopeterrorhopeterrorhopeterror

61 comments:

  1. Breathe. I know this feeling. Enjoy it. You are pregnant. And yes, congratulations is in order. Congratulations.

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    1. This simple affirmation brought hopeful tears to my eyes; you're right. I'm so grateful to have this space where people get it, and can nudge me gently towards optimism. Thank you.

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  2. Oh, Sadie. Hugs to you. Hope that you have an uneventful next 8 months, strength to take each moment as it comes and deal with it as you need to and support as you begin this journey.

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    1. I hope so too Brianna. Deep breathes. Thank you for your presence and your hugs - they are certainly needed right now!

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  3. Oh my goodness! Sending you every positive vibe in the world.

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    1. Thank you so much! I can feel all those vibes and the more the better!

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  4. OMG, Sadie I am so happy for you. Calm and hope and joy your way, this is so magical. (I read your last post over the weekend, and was just going to come and say that you are a survivor, that I pray that your system is all clear and that you could start IVF as was planned) .
    I really really hope that this will be a long wait, that will bring your child to your arms. All the love. I Wish with everything that it will all go well. Feels like magic!

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    1. Yes, it feels like magic for us too. It's really strange in these arly days...I can't quite believe it's real and I'm oh-so-cautious in letting my mind race ahead to all the hopeful what ifs. But it goes nonetheless...

      Thank you so much for all your support; I too hope this will finally be the one that brings us our living child.

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  5. Oh My World! What great news to come back to :) Sending so many positive vibes your way, really thrilled for you and hoping so hard that this is your rainbow baby all the way. Gave me the chills (and a few hormonal tears of joy). Just. Breathe. One day at a time my friend.

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    1. Thank you friend. I'm touched at your reaction :) I'm hoping hard too, and just trying to take things one day at a time, just as instructed. I'm so so hopeful that this will bring us to our rainbow.

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  6. Wow! Sending nothing but strength and hope and calming vibes your way!

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    1. Thank you so much Janet, you are awesome! I can feel the love.

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  7. Oh my god! Sadie! I'm so happy to see this news. Sending you strength and hope and love. And many, many congratulations!

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    1. I know, crazy right?! Thanks for your congratulations.

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  8. Oh my gosh Sadie!!!! I am sending you my congratulations along with lots of good sticky vibes! This is so amazing, I am so happy for you!!! yayyyyy!!!!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for those vibes my friend. I appreciate your enthusiasm so much. I'm still feeling totally excited and overwhelmed and nervous...just hoping like hell that everything stays amazing. Deep breathes.

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  9. Deep breaths! Take it one day at a time right now. Sending you positive thoughts and wishing you strength!

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    1. Yes, practicing my meditation breathes and accompanying them with lots of positive affirmations. Thank you so much for your wishes, and for sending all that good strength!

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  10. AAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! (Sorry, I know that was not a good example of a calming presence, but I just couldn't help myself.) I am going to congratulate you, because, sisterfriend, this is a VERY BIG and necessary first step. But, yes. Things get really scary right about now. They do. So, I'm sending you a very lot of good vibes and love and peace.

    And, you know? Let yourself feel whatever you feel like feeling at any given moment. If it is elation, feel elation. Dance in it. Rub it into your skin. If it is debilitating fear, experience it. What else is there to do? Because if you don't, it will also creep into the elation and sour it. So give it its time. But also remember that the terror keeps turning to hope keeps turning to terror keeps turning to hope and that the fear will be transient. You are amazing. I am so happy for you guys.

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    1. Thank you friend. Even if I can't quite bring myself to be over-the-top excited now, I admit it feels nice that others can take care of that bit until I'm able to. And you're right, it's huge. This has been so long in the making, and I'm just hoping that it gets huger with each passing week.

      Your advice to just let all the feelings come is very similar to that of my husband (who has embraced the optimism right from the start). I'm trying just to be in one moment at a time (and really really not getting any work done in the process)...I still think I need lots of hand-holding though, so I appreciate you all sticking around!

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  11. Ohmygosh, I'm so excited for you!!!! I know how scary it can be, but this is the first step! I'm sending lots of positive thoughts out to the universe for this to have a happy ending (or really, beginning) for you. I'm so happy for you!

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    1. Thank you for your excitement and all those positive vibes. It is really scary, so I'm just concentrating on one foot in front of the other for now. Every time I take a pee and there's no blood, it feels like a small triumph.

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  12. Wow, what an amazing surprise! I am so happy for you, friend :D I completely understand the fear--but let yourself revel in the joy! This is very, very good news and such a happy turn of events!

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    1. It was a huge, unexpected surprise for us too...beyond our wildest dreams at this point! It's hard to strike a balance between feeling the joy and allowing the fear its place too, but I'm working on it. Thanks for your support Annie.

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  13. YES! There is a long road ahead, but try to stay positive. This is great news!!!

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    1. Trying as hard as I might. If this particular road is a long one, nothing will make me happier!

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  14. Strength! Hope! Calm! (For both of us!!!)

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    1. I'm boomeranging those back your way! Can't believe we're due so close.

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  15. *strength, hope and calming presence* (even though I really just want to shout for COMPLETE AND UTTER JOY from all the rooftops because this is effing amazing and though I will continue to hold my breath and cross all my fingers and toes and send good vibes, I am also just full on ecstatic for you two). Embrace this moment and know that we're all here no matter what happens!

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    1. Aaahh, you're too sweet my friend. Like I said above, even if we haven't reached shout-from-the-rooftops territory yet, it makes me feel very supported to know that others have, on our behalf. I'm so grateful to have a community where I can share this complicated joy, because I think any joy of the uncomplicated variety (ya know, from the normals), just rubs me the wrong way now...

      Thanks for being here through all the complicated stuff, and for all your good vibes and your joy. And yes, it's pretty amazing :)

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  16. Oh, wow. You are the urban legend come to life! I am holding my breath right along with you. I am teetering the thin line between hope and terror. I am also so incredibly happy for you right now. Deep breaths... that's all you can do. Just keep breathing.

    We can do this!

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    1. We will do this! Thanks for your companionship on this crazy ride; it means so much to know I have this space, and you're all in the cheering section. And I'm sending just as many calming, positive vibes your way, hoping that this will be it for you too.

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  17. Oh my goodness. You are the second "urban legend" from my blogroll in the past two weeks! that's awesome! Sending you tons of strength and hope and calm....I just got back from acupuncture followed by dance class, so I have some to spare today!! I really hope this works out for you and those feelings of ecstasy (hopefully not so much anxiety) are yours for a long time.

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    1. Acupuncture and dance class make for a veritable cocktail of joy and contentment...and I definitely received it! I'm hoping this (the pregnancy and hence the ecstasy) lasts for a long while too... Thank you for all your thoughts and wishes.

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  18. Congratulations are definitely in order. :) Sending you lots of strength and love!

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    1. Thanks friend. It's stories like yours that calm and inspire me when the waves of terror threaten. I can't wait to hear the final piece of news in that happy story!

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  19. OHHH my god. You are officially pregnant. As of this moment (well, a lot of moments ago), you are pregnant. That is magical and amazing and I am so happy for you. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy. Just be....pregnant.

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    1. It's totally surreal, but I'm going to type it out myself too, just so I can let it sink in again: I'm officially pregnant.

      I'm hoping with all my heart I am deeply, actually pregnant, and just trying to enjoy the moments as they come. Thanks for your wishes :)

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  20. Gentle congratulations Sadie. This is fantastic! One day at a time...lots of love xxx

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    1. Thanks Nomi. I know you'll understand how fantastic and yet terrifying this is.

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  21. Sadie, this made my day! Congratulations to you guys. Thinking about you and sending you all sorts of positive thoughts that this leads to your happy ever after. Hugs!!! xoxo

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    1. Alicia! I've thought of you often in recent months. I hope your absence from the blogging world is due to the fact that you're so active and happy with little J that you're simply too busy for writing. Anyway, thank you for stopping by to offer your encouragement; I'm hoping for that happy ever after too. And the hugs are very welcome! Love to you.

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  22. Wow! Sending you lots of positive, comforting energy. (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't praying to the flying spaghetti monster every day that I get a BFP before IVF.)

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    1. I'd love it if you were another one of the urban legends! In fact, I'll put in a prayer to the flying spaghetti monster for you.

      Thanks for all that energy.

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  23. Congratulations!!! I am so glad you are "that" story, it helps to restore my faith that the story might be true. I am so very happy for you. I can umagine this news is joyous and terrifying in equal measure. Try to focus on the joy not the terror. Good luck. xxxxx

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    1. Thank you Ana. I hope that my story can continue to restore your faith...It is scary as much as joyous in these early days, but we're holding on to as much of the joy as we can find. Your presence is so appreciated my friend!

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  24. OMG! Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Your news made my day, even if I stumbled on them a few days late :-) It is all going to be ok.

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    1. Thank you for your kind wishes. We're practically holding our breath, hoping that all is indeed going to be ok, even if no one really knows that yet...For now, Oct 14th is the magic number.

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  25. Oh my gosh! Where have *I* been? Congratulations! Yup urban legend it is but it's so good to have! Wishing you a very very uneventful pregnancy in the months ahead. :)

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    1. Thank you Isabelle. An uneventful pregnancy in the months ahead would be the fulfillment of all my dreams :) Here's hoping!

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  26. This is just magical. I think it's the only way I can describe it.

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    1. It does feel like magic. In fact, its's still feeling so unreal in some moments that I'm hoping it's not all a disappearing act come our ultrasound on the 14th. Gulp. Here's hoping.

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  27. OH MY GOSH!! AHHH! I've been behind in my blog reading, and I come here to THIS!

    Just a few weeks ago, you were wondering about those urban legend people, and now you are one of them! OH MY GOSH!!!

    I am so happy, a little teary eyed - I blame the IVF drugs, I'm not just a sap :)

    Sending you so many good thoughts. This made my day!

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    1. I know, it's very surreal, isn't it? It almost doesn't feel real...counting down the days until that first ultrasound is one of the most distracting experiences I have ever had.

      I'm so touched by your reaction, whether brought on by your sappy nature or your drug addled hormones! Thanks for sticking with me, these are scary days and I know you know that.

      And I can't wait to get all sappy over your news too! I've got everything crossed that this one's the ticket!

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    2. OK, I'll admit it - I'm a bit of a sap! But also I am so genuinely happy for you.... and also I'm totally hormonal from those silly IVF drugs! It's a combination.

      Hang in there, little 5 weeker! You can do it!!

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  28. Wow. I am way behind on blog reading and am just now seeing this. What great news! I think it deserves congratulations. Wishing nothing but the best for you.

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    1. Thank you for the wishes Jen! Early days, but we are hopeful...

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  29. Congratulations!! I am so mad at my blog reader on my iPhone right now. It is doing a horrible job at keeping up-to-date with the blogs I follow and I'm just seeing this now. This is such wonderful news. I know it's scary but stay strong and enjoy it. I'm so happy for you!!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and sending some wishes our way. I'll forgive your blog reader, since it's nice to keep getting well wishes, particularly as the euphoria wears off and the nerves are setting in during the wait for our u/s.

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  30. Amazing amazing amazing. Just wonderful.

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