Sunday, 13 October 2013

A spotting update and attitude reboot

Since I posted my frantic report of spotting on Friday, I've become a lot calmer and regained much of my zen about this pregnancy. The spotting has stopped and I'm inclined to believe that it might just have been one of those little blips that are not uncommon to perfectly normal healthy pregnancies...a topic on which I have too little practice.

When I could get away from work on Friday afternoon, I called our clinic, fighting back tears as I talked with the doctor on call. She reiterated what all of you wise women, with your reassuring comments, already knew: that spotting at this stage of pregnancy is not only very normal, but could even be a good sign. That based on what I'd told her it could very well be the little one making itself comfy for a long stay. That as long as the spotting didn't increase in flow or become red blood, I should try not to worry. That the cervix is very 'vascularized' in early pregnancy, and given the fact that my progesterone levels have always been through the roof naturally even before pregnancy (thus precluding any need for supplements), this increases the chances of even mild irritation leading to some bleeding. That my biggest job right now was staying optimistic and looking after myself. She prescribed bed rest for the weekend and said that if things remained the same there was no need to advance the u/s which will happen tomorrow (tomorrow!) anyway. 

Since then, I've had two more episodes of spotting on Saturday morning, slightly heavier at first, but brown in colour, making me think (hopehopehope) she may just have been right that this was leftover implantation bleeding. It dwindled by yesterday afternoon and today there's been nothing.

I'm so relieved and a strange sense of calm has even fallen over me. I still think that those of us who have struggled hard to get and stay pregnant deserve a free pass when it comes to anything hinting at pregnancy complications, but so be it. It's absurd and difficult, but I'm trying as I might to place some distance from my past experience and just exist here and now.

Of all the insights culled from the not-actually-reassuring because I'm deeply neurotic phone consult with Dr. B last week, there was one I've clung to in the last few days. He said that as hard as he can imagine it to be (and I like about this doctor the fact that he doesn't assume he knows, can only imagine), that we have to try and look forward and see this as a new experience, a new pregnancy entirely separate from all our past experiences. Although my history reveals a lot of really crap luck, it may be nothing more than just that: shitty luck. And the one silver lining of having spun our wheels for months on end this year has been the copious amounts of monitoring that have taken place: we now know that there are no identifiable barriers to healthy conception or pregnancy, we're both in great health, and indeed, there is no reason why this shouldn't work. In fact, as we prepared for IVf over the summer, we were both hyper-conscious of being in the best possible shape we've been in ages, so the timing is right.

This is it's own pregnancy, and history doesn't always repeat itself.

At the moments when those scary events are happening, and when I let my mind wander to the worst case scenarios that have been, (as well as the ones I dream up) it can indeed feel as though H and I are somehow marked for bad luck. That it is always and inevitably attracted to us. But really, where we now find ourselves, that attitude won't do. Firstly because it's not a very appealing quality to possess and not one I'd like to be associated with, but also, secondly, because it won't do us any good to think like that and may even steal precious moments of joy from what is becoming. As much bad luck as there might have been, right this very minute, we are lucky indeed for what is.

H has been amazing through all this. This time around, he is both more connected to this pregnancy than I am able to be (which made this spotting episode all the more scary for him), and also more able to tap into his optimism. He continues to dream quite vivid dreams of us with our child (including, amusingly, one last night of teaching the fundamentals of potty training...who dreams of that? All I can say is, if the realist leanings of his paternal yearnings are anything to go by, he's a natural, and I'm going to have it relatively easy). He has been nuzzling my belly and whispering coaxing words of all the delights that await, to tempt this little life to stay put and grace us with its presence in eight odd months. Last night, as we watched old episodes of Parks and Recreation on the computer, in bed, snuggled close together and with the speakers near my belly as the opening credits rolled, he said: How could it not want to stay with us when it can hear fun music like this? We promise we'll have lots of fun baby! We always have lots of fun. (The kid better share our taste in entertainment, I guess...) [He has, despite his own terror, managed to make me laugh in these moments of uncertainty. Having asked for immediate spotting-status-updates after each of my visits to the toilet, he then announced, on his own departure to the bathroom: I have to go to the loo. I wonder what my own pee will reveal? Maybe that we've won the lottery! Yeah, you had to be there... As schmaltzy as it gets, but this is why I love the man.]

Are we getting way ahead of ourselves? Yes. Is it way too early to count our embryos before they've hatched never mind need potty training? For sure. Will any of this have even the slightest impact, for ill or good, on how tomorrow turns out, or all the tomorrows after that? Not a jot. So we might as well enjoy, because we sure as hell deserve it.

Now....Breath held. Fingers crossed. On to tomorrow. 


21 comments:

  1. Fingers crossed for tomorrow! Hoping so much for good news. Keeping you in my thoughts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! And it was good news! Your thoughts and good vibes certainly helped me through the day.

      Delete
  2. Fingers, hands, arms, toes, ankles, legs are all crossed that you get some relief tomorrow at your u/s!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A HUGE relief is just what it was! Thank you for keeping everything crossed for us my friend - that can't have been very comfortable!

      Delete
  3. I hope tomorrow brings you a sigh of relief and a little more optimism for this pregnancy! I'm glad you're starting to feel better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having seen that beautiful little heartbeat will *certainly* help to keep the optimism flowing. Thank you for being here while I waited!

      Delete
  4. Thinking of you and saying lots of prayers for tomorrow, Sadie! You are H are such lovely people and you will be amazing parents. Oh, and I LOVE Parks and Recreation :) Speaking of which, remember the episode with this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2-3ooX_XkQ ? That's my mantra for you--All Will Be Well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Annie, you are my music twin or something! I kid you not, that was the episode we were watching when H made the comment, and which I later added to a playlist, before seeing your comment...How cool is that?! I love the mantra :)

      And thank you for the sweet words, we're certainly hoping and looking forward to the time when we'll get to actively exercise those parental tendancies.

      Delete
    2. Wow, what are the odds of that?? Yep, it's a good sign! Definitely a good sign :)

      Delete
  5. Hope your ultrasound goes well and glad you were able to find some calm after the oh-so-scary spotting.

    I love the description of how your husband is acting. He sounds so funny and adorable about it all. It took my husband a while to start relating to the baby as a "real baby in my tummy" and talking to him and all that. I think it must be so different for men...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is really a total sap, as evidenced by the (totally true and accurate) description of his reaction today! Though I suppose I tend to be partial, I *do* think he is pretty funny and adorable (which rescues me on many a day). Since we saw that second line with this pregnancy, he has had a much 'easier' time investing than I have. But there is also the fact that we have been at this together for so long, and that we birthed our son, which makes it all more real even from the male perspective. I can see why it's hard for them to fathom it at the beginning. It still is for me!

      Delete
  6. Ha ha - the potty training thing is hilarious!

    Also, love the theme song to Parks and Rec. Most of the time we fastforward through TV themes, but I always make my husband play it all the way through and I do a chair dance to it.

    You will be wonderful parents to this little one. I just know it. I am sending you so many good vibes. Sending that bay so many thought of strength and growth. And i can hardly wait to hear the good news! That's one lucky baby!

    There was a part of me that at first reacted badly to the "This is it's own pregnancy" comment. I think it's just my own crazy! But the more I think about it, the more I like it. Staying positive can be hard, but this is different. Hang in there, Sadie! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my friend, this comment brought happy tears to my eyes, on an already already hugely emotional day. Thank you for your sweet words; I feel like we'll be great parents to this little one too.

      I gritted my teeth the first time I heard that 'this is it's own pregnancy' comment too (because after three losses without explanation, what reason do/did I have to believe?)...But really, from a medical point of view at least, it's also factually true. And while I struggle with feelings of guilt at 'abandoning' S, I also *need* to make that distinction, for my own sanity. I have ultimately found it somehow reassuring, to think that this might be a new start, irrespective of our history... Yes, this is different.

      I *totally* do that chair dance to the Parks and Rec theme music too! It's so cheery!

      Thanks for all the love and hope. You really are too awesome.

      Delete
  7. Fingers crosed, and hoping and thnking of all of you. I am glad you were able to regain some calm, it must be so hard, but like you say, this is a new, fresh start.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's REALLY hard...honestly, I hardly slept last night and thought I would throw up while we waited to be called into the u/s room. But it was So worth it! Thank you for hoping and sending those good thoughts our way today; they helped so much!

      Delete
  8. You're in my thoughts, hoping for the best possible news!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm glad you've gotten a little of your Zen back! Thinking happy, healthy thoughts for your ultrasound!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for all those thoughts, they surely helped! :)

      Delete
  10. SO glad to hear you're doing well and that the spotting did not significantly progress. And by the looks of your comment responses, the ultrasound today went well, too. I am over the moon. Your protective distance makes absolute sense, but it melts me to picture H asking about your pee breaks and offering updates on his.

    This is its own pregnancy, indeed. And you guys are going to make incredible parents to a child who adds good things to this world. Including a love for dry and awkward humor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It did go well! As well as we possibly could have hoped for and then some... I wore your socks for luck!

      Thanks for your sweet and encouraging words. I think we *will* be great parents. I so much hope we can the chance to be so actively this time around. H will supply the tender-hearted sappiness, and I the love for dry and awkward humor ;)

      Delete

Don't be shy, leave a comment. Your words brighten my day!