Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Still here, still pregnant

And every time I utter (or even think) that second statement, I feel a compulsion to add 'as far as we know right now'. That's terrible, isn't it?

While I had hoped that seeing that beautiful little flutter would be enough to not only calm my fears but make me feel more connected to the idea of being pregnant - and in some ways it has - and while I've managed not to descend into further bouts of mucousy crying, I'm also, it has to be said, a little...reserved? Detached? Hiding in a ball under the duvet?

After last Monday, I began to feel like it had perhaps, just maybe, all been a dream and now things were returning back to anxious pessimistic 'normal'. Minus the booze. Or the sushi.

That's not really true, of course. I have moments of real hopefulness, and when I am able to access the left brain logic buried under still- heavy piles of fear and caution, I remind myself that as of now, we have nothing but reasons to believe this pregnancy, that adorable grey blob, will indeed keep going and result in a healthy baby eight seven-and-a-half months from now. Today, I'm just shy of eight weeks pregnant. Further than we got last time. And my symptoms, which seem to wax and wane an frequently as my moments of hopeterrordetachmenthope, have run the gamut. And they are often strong. Until little seedling is able to give me more concrete, anthropic evidence that s/he is in there, growing away, it's a pretty nice reminder that things may just be going as they ought.

To wit: I'm a glowing amalgam of nausea, headaches, dizziness, aching boobs, nausea, heartburn, constipation, food aversions, food cravings, nausea, fatigue, bloating, gassiness, aaand nausea, which sometimes seems to exist in simultaneity with a desire to consume all the foods. All of them. On top of that, my weakened immune system chose this week to land me with a mammoth, sniffling, hacking head cold. I am a delight, I tell you.  

So, for the most part I'm laying low here in limbo-land (how's that for alliteration?), not drawing attention to myself or my 'condition', hoping that the malevolent variety of pregnancy gods somehow miss me altogether this time. Cast your lightening bolts elsewhere, evil fiends!

Given our history (and no matter how much I try to distance myself from that too, putting it in the ancient past), I don't know when I'll feel more confident in this pregnancy, if there'll be a magic moment when I'll really, truly believe. I'm certainly hopeful that there will, and that it will be soon; because while I can't say that my fear is stealing all the joy, it has muted it considerably. I'm hopeful that one day soon, the 'as far as we know' will become 'until s/he's born'. 

For now, I'm flexing my coping muscles. Cherishing those moments of holymolyI'mactuallypregnant! euphoria when they come, but also being gentle with myself when I can't muster the energy to embrace them, or stomach ohmigodhowexciting! sentiments of any kind when they come from others. Not that we've told a single soul beyond the thousands of my closest friends on the interwebs you, dear readers <waves to anonymous follower in the Cook Islands>. More just as a general attitude. Which is probably why I feel an occasional need to be silent in this space right now.

Which is maybe not such a bad thing for my long-suffering bloggy friends. Really, I'm repeating myself, aren't I? Lather <paranoid freak-out>, rinse <feel pukey and rejoice>, repeat. Is there a point to any of this? Not really; I guess it's more of a pop-in-and-say-hi kind of post.

I'm still here, still pregnant, and as far as we know...everything's just fine.


Same sentiment, whole new significance.

26 comments:

  1. You ARE a delight -- nausea, fear, euphoria, and all. I'm so, so happy for you. :)

    The detachment you describe is familiar, though. I felt it with my pregnancy. I just tried to remember (with more luck on some days than others) that worrying isn't some magical spell that prevents problems; all it does is steal this moment's joy. And whatever the outcome, I've never ever regretted feeling joy.

    I'm wishing you a joyful, peaceful 7.5 months!

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    1. It is sweet of you to say so Hope! These days, you take me as you find me, which changes moment to moment, symptoms and emotions both. But you're certainly right, one can never regret experiencing the joy.

      Thank you for your wishes, I am hoping for those 7.5 myself!

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  2. I'm glad you popped in to say hi :) I've been wondering how you are doing. Wishing you lots of hope and peace!

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    1. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts Annie. We're haning in there!

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  3. I think that mindset is totally normal. With V I kept saying, "I'm X weeks, if he's still alive." And despite reassuring ultrasound after reassuring ultrasound I had a hard time believing it, or getting excited. Take it one day at a time. Right now, now everything looks good- hang onto that!

    Hoping things continue going well!

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    1. You have no idea how much it means that a) you totally get my mindset right now and b) even when you were in that place yourself, your V still kept growing and thriving and is now a happy little kid! It gives me such hope :) I worry sometimes that my negative vibes will somehow effect the outcome of this pregnancy, even though I try to remind myself that there's nothing I can do. So true: one day at a time.

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  4. I'm so glad you posted! I was thinking of you last night and I said another prayer. It's good that you're keeping it real and being honest about how you feel. That's all you can ask for. You will have more joyful moments, as you get further along. ;)

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    1. Eve, I am so touched by your prayers and your belief in this little seedling. As important as it is that I am honest with myself about my own feelings (I know you get it), it also helps to have others' confidence that this might just happen. Thanks for being here my friend!

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  5. I hate to say this (because I don't want you linked to me if something goes wrong over here) but I really feel like we're in this together. I can 100% relate to each and every thing you post! You should have heard me talking to HR at my company today about maternity leave. I actually said, "But I've already had two miscarriages this year, so we might not even have to worry about it." I wonder what she thought of that! I guess I just don't anyone to get too hopeful over this. The pressure is already bad enough!!

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    1. Oh, Amanda. I totally get that 'let's just see what happens, no plans' kind of thinking. I'm trying so hard to leave it behind as best I can, if for no other reason than to enjoy as much as I possibly can (given the circumstances) all of this as it's happening. We're both pregnant lady, and no amount of denial or fear can change that. It's out of our hands. I have to say, I'm super touched (and ok, maybe a little teary) by your comment. We ARE in this together. And as scary as it is to write this, I'm doing it anyway: I just have a good feeling about things this time around, for you and me. One day at a time sister! Big love to you and your little one.

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  6. Hang in there! I have no clue if we will have those "this is actually happening" moment until the babies are home safe. But I guess I am ok with that. I am trying to just be happy each day I am pregnant. Being excited or being cautious does not effect the outcome. So I might as well be excited!

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    1. I think in my case it's a more specific fear of my baby's death than a kind of general incredulity that it's finally happening for us (though that's in there too!). But you're so right, not only is it not helpful it's robbing me of a lot of excitement, so I'm working on it each and every day...You're an inspiration in that department! :)

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  7. First of all, have you heard of "pregnancy rhinitis?" The cold may be a pregnancy symptom. I woke up almost every morning int he first trimester feeling clogged up, sneezy, and dizzy. Now at the very end, it's back.

    Secondly, I can't really speak in the same way to the fear because I don't have the same history as a many people in this blogosphere, but even from my perspective, it's terrifying. Especially the first trimester. However, from my perspective, I DO think it gets easier. You start to feel more comfortable in your body and the pregnancy and once they move regularly, that makes it easier. Of course, it can jump right back to to fear in an instant (which is what happened to me this weekend), because pregnancy is a terrifying miracle.

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    1. You're so right, it's a terrifying miracle, and as I said below, the knowledge of that makes it all feel so tenuous sometimes...which of course it is. And while I can't relate to that perspective specifically, I don't doubt that there must be a great deal of terror even with a 'normal' healthy pregnancy (especially a first, i suppose). Thanks for reminding me how normal I am!

      I had heard about the whole runny nose in pregnancy thing, and I think mine kinda started like that, even though it developed into a full-blown cold with cough and everything (nearly gone, thank gods!). I know from my first pregnancy that my immune system was just really wiped by being pregnant, so I think in a way it was a pregnancy thing. I'm just taking LOTS of naps and drinking tons of water.

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  8. I am just so happy for you, and I hope it will all continue to go smoothly. I do think anxiety is normal in pretty much every case, life is fragile, and a miracle.
    I totally get you on wanting to eat all-the-food, taking it day by day seems to be the way to go.

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    1. So true, and the fact that some of us have a deeper knowledge of that fragile, beautiful miracle...well, it makes it both much more terrifying and also that much more precious.

      My cravings and aversions seem to come and go almost daily; the only constant is how HUNGRY I am!

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  9. The first trimester is a glowing amalgam, indeed! Welcome, hope you stay here awhile (or you know, like 12 weeks, before graduating to holy-pregnancy-batman! the second trimester). So, so happy you're here. It does get easier - not all the time, and not every day, but it does.

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    1. I'm so so happy too! I'll take all that glowing crap so long as it gets me the holy-pregnancy-batman! second trimester upgrade. Trying to stay hopeful. Thanks for continuing to cheer me on from your firm place in holy-pregnancy-batman-that-kid-will-soon-arrive territory :)

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  10. I love what Hope said about never regretting joy. Hold onto that joy as often as you possibly can! Those symptoms all sound very promising!

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    1. I'm working on it, and the symptoms definitely help with that project!

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  11. I have been meaning to write a comment for weeks, since you announced your pregnancy. I did write one on the iPad but I don't think it ever posted. Anyway, I am so happy for you and have been thinking about you a lot. I wasn't at ease until she was born, until I had her in my arms, moving and making noise. But it certainly did get easier the further I got, the stronger I felt she was. Of course, always in the back of my mind was "what if". That being said, I was scared to buy things for her, but Ted said that I should just do want I want to do (in terms of preparing for her). If it felt good to buy a sleeper, then buy it. Have no regrets in the end. I was worried I would never get to use the sleeper, but the main thing was to enjoy the moment. It was one of the best pieces of advice I ever got. I can say that I truly enjoyed my pregnancy with her (even though I was scared most of the time). If she is my last baby, at least I got to be a "regular" pregnant women in terms of buying cute clothes, imagining her in them, etc.

    Your symptoms sound very encouraging!

    I felt the same way you did when I was pregnant with Emily. I wanted to be more attached to her, but I wasn't. But then I started feeling her move and the sense of detachment went out the window. Even seeing her heart beating made me more attached, but not as much as I was with Jacob. Totally self-preservation.

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    1. Oh Dana, thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding. It means so much to have fellow loss moms who just get all the complicated feelings (because sometimes I also feel guilty for not experiencing more joy so far, and not feeling more attached). I can only nod my head along with all of what you've said. And yet, there you are, mothering the most beautiful, most ALIVE toddler...and it gives me so much hope!

      Ted is a wise man :) Whatever happens, I don't want to have regrets with this pregnancy, so I'm just trying to move through the feelings as they hit me, and it is helping. And yes, all those symptoms are really reassuring!

      I hope that being back at work is going ok. Please give that gorgeous girl of yours a big hug for me!

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  12. I find your holymolys really cute :-) You're in my thoughts! <3

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    1. :) I can still hardly believe it myself most days! It really does feel like...holy moly! Thanks for all those warm thoughts.

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  13. Congrats Sadie! Wishing you two a happy and healthy pregnancy!

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    1. Thank you so much for your wishes!

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