Monday, 27 May 2013

A (kinda) happy post, B sides and other rarities

It's all been a bit doom and gloom, a bit introspective around here recently, I know. Part of it has to do with a series of momentous anniversaries (of the time lapsed since we began trying for a baby, of our pregnancy with S, not to mention the oft dreaded Mother's Day).

But I've also been thinking a lot about the balance of this blog and the way it represents me, what I choose to write about and not. I almost never come here to share happenings in my life beyond the bedroom stirrups. I'd like to think if any of you were to meet me in 'real life', you'd be pleasantly surprised. I am (or so I believe) a many-faceted person with diverse interests and skills, none of which I ever seem to feel particularly compelled to share with the interwebs. Some of it might have to do with the fact that I find most aspects of my life quite blah right now. I'm not currently doing a job I love. We're not in a place of actively pursuing any interventions fertility-wise, other than being told and following orders to sit-and-wait-now-there's-a-good-patient. Too many things are still up in the air for me to do much of anything other than pour my angst and uncertainty into this space, and hope you keep receiving it as graciously as you have thus far. That results in a lot of pensive posting, I know.

But obviously it's not only the fact that things have been tough around here lately. I've had many adventures in life, moved across the world almost more times than I can count, to immerse myself in strange new cultures and take on causes for which I have a fire in my (otherwise perpetually empty) belly. All of these experiences and issues would, I am sure, make great blogging material. But again, despite occasional encouragement from friends and family 'back home' to do just that, I've never before felt the slightest impulse to record any of it on a blog. I'd like to think it's because I was too busy just doing it at the time.

Infertility and loss have been an altogether different kettle of stinky, despair-inducing, crazy-making fish. The isolation, the lack of understanding and awareness from the world at large can, as you all know too well, be suffocating. So here I came.

Still, as much as you all get it, I can be a bit heavy even for myself some days. It never hurts to pause for a brief interlude in our all ovaries!all semen!all the time! scheduling (with a phrase like that, you'd think it should be pregnancy-a-go-go around here. But alas and alak...). For no good reason other than one of my occasional wildly, irrationally optimistic stints, I'm in a good mood today. I'm playing my happy playlist (yes, I have playlists for many a mood).

This is helped along by a three day weekend of beautiful, sunshiny weather which can't help but to lift my spirits (because even if I have to practice hysterical inward laughter to do it, I deserve to get out and enjoy it too, dammit!).

Without further ado, a playlist of songs all of which - if not forcing me to leap from my seat outright and indulge in a spell of kitchen dancing - encouragingly whisper to me, in their ways: You can do this  

On the Radio   Regina Spektor
Absolute Beginners   David Bowie
Fight Test   The Flaming Lips
Forever in Blue Jeans   Neil Diamond
Mushaboom   Feist
We Built This City   Jefferson Starship
Here for a Good Time (not a long time)   Trooper
Love is All Around   Joan Jett
Skokiaan   Louis Armstrong
As Is   Ani DiFranco
Here Comes the Sun   George Harrison
Rainbow Connection   Kermit the Frog


Bloggy friends, what prompts you to post? And, because I'm still compiling, what tracks would make it onto your pick-me-up playlist?


Source.
 

22 comments:

  1. It makes me smile a lot that you enjoy Mushaboom. Pretty much anything Feist does is amazing.

    My guaranteed-to-pick-me-up song is So Alive by Ryan Adams. When I was younger that song broke through a fog of darkness like nothing else could, and listening to it is always life affirming to me.

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    1. Love that song! And love all her work. Plus, I had to make sure to comply with Canadian content regulations, right? ;)

      I love hearing about life-changing music like your Ryan Adams song. I have a few like that too. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. The Amalie soundtrack :)
    Because I have happy memories of Paris and I am currently focusing my life-gratitude onto beautiful love affairs... I am lucky to be having a beautiful love affair, even if we did lose our little one.

    xxx

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    1. Oh yes, the Amalie soundtrack is definitely up there as warm fuzzy, feel good music! I'm glad you have your beautiful love affair to celebrate. That makes it so much easier to continue feeling lucky.

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  3. "Move Along" by All American Rejects, but I have a separate playlist for needing inspiration/sad days (Like "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson).

    I've felt conflicted over the years about what I post, and ended up making a separate blog for my weight loss. I try not to post too many personal details on my blog, since my focus is infertility/recurrent loss and my experience, and I also don't want people IRL to find my blog. Not that there is really anything I'm ashamed of, I just like having a safe/private area to relay my experience to others and get feedback. I can let it all out there, and while I was very open about my infertility IRL I still didn't share all the details.

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    1. Great song! I have other, very specific lists for sad or really feel good songs. The list above is more encouragment, I guess.

      I'm like that too with my blog; although I've been open in real life about our struggles with loss and IF, I choose to keep this space anon because as far as a record for me and an outlet for venting, I need to be able to bare all the ugly as well as the hopeful aspects of this journey. I know that there are just many things about that which are impossible for people who haven't been through it, and especially people in my real life, to understand or accept.

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  4. i'm a firm believer that you should feel "compelled" to post something on your blog. My best writing is when I can't NOT write something. Love your playlist and hope you had a great 3 day weekend.

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    1. Thanks Jessah. I think I often write out of an emotional compulsion - if I don't get it out, it might torment me - and in that sense, blogging has been so therapeutic.

      Hope you had a great long weekend too!

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  5. It used to be inspiration that prompted me to write on my other blog. These days, it's something akin to an itch that needs to be scratched. I try to chronicle what miscarriage feels like, and put it into words in such a way that it resonates with others who have a hard time putting their own thoughts and feelings into words. It's healing for me, and I keep doing it because it's allowed me to connect with fabulous creatures like you!

    I know what you mean when you say you're not compelled to share the more creative / interesting parts of your life. When you're too busy experiencing life, why would you take a break from it to write about it? I recently wrote that a high school teacher of mine always said that it's only misery that compels artists to create. I think he was right! That said, you come across as a beautifully creative person, with a refreshing perspective on all sorts of things. I like you, and I like how you write. One day the subject matter will be a little more cheerful and a little sporadic, and you will be missed for all the right reasons. :)

    Now, music: I can't get enough of the stuff. I will make you a playlist :) Have recently discovered Feist -- love that music video, it reminds me of dreams I have!

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words Lauren. I think writing through all this has been a way for me to process my feelings, but also as you say, to maybe get a fresh perspective and reflect on aspects of the grief and the journey which didn't occur to me when I was deep in the emotions. In that sense, it's been a great revelation for me of my own ability to cope. I marvel at people like you, who can write fro in the middle of the feelings, because I could never have done that; I was a puddle-y mess for so long, and in many ways am just now finding my voice again.

      I would love to hear your playlist! And yes, Feist is great.

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    2. Oh, and speaking of videos: watch the Regina Spektor vid. It's impossible not to feel melty and lovely after seeing those kids at the end!

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  6. I Don't Feel Like Dancing by the Scissor Sisters always makes me smile and dance. :)

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    1. You're right, that's a definite unstoppable kitchen dancing track! I might have to add it to a playlist...

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  7. I, too, get a bit heavy for myself some days! I love your playlist-- we have similar taste in music. The Shins is one of my go-to bands for cheering up. Even when they're writing about heart break or some other depressing situation, it's all upbeat and impossible not to happily sing along to.

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    1. I'm glad that in addition to our other (less life-affirming) commonalities, we seem to have a great deal in common in terms of movies, music and books! You clearly have great taste ;)

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  8. Love the song list! To add to it:

    Joni Mitchell - Coyote
    Joni Mitchell - Chelsea Morning
    Neil Young - Harvest Moon
    Bob Marley - Three Little Birds
    June Carter - Keep on the Sunny Side
    Bob Dylan - Buckets of Rain
    Van Morrison - Into the Mystic

    And oh so many more! Love Mushaboom!

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    1. Thanks Alicia, these are so great too, and I see we have a lot of similar tastes... (how could I forget Van Morrison?!). Also, glad that your list meets the important CanCon guidelines ;)

      I always love your 'what I'm listening to' notes in your posts, so probably that was an inspiration!

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    2. I had to borrow some of these songs too for mine :D LOVE <3

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  9. I'm physically incapable of listening to the B-52s song "Roam" without dancing. :)

    Now it makes me think of your upcoming trip, too. It's so easy to postpone joy until this or that is done, to make today's focus all about tomorrow. I'm so glad that you're not waiting to travel. I hope you have a wonderful, healing time!

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    1. Thanks Hope, that makes a great soundtrack to so many adventures!

      Staying in the moment is so so difficult when we're in this situation where *everything* feels like counting, rationed out time. But I also think it's the key to staying sane and happy. I hope I can bring some of that back from the trip as well.

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  10. I play CDs based on my moods all of the time. I often wonder if I was in "that mood" to begin with or the CD contributed (?) I'm also still the girl that is first to burn a mixed CD after a friend's break up. Ahhh music!

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  11. I too have contemplated creating a different kind of blog, just about me, the whole person. But, like you, I'm not in the mood! Haha. I love your blog. It constantly reminds me of my humanity and yours. It's tough being in between treatments. I think I am going to start painting with watercolors. I bought the supplies. We'll see where this goes...

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