Thursday, 16 May 2013

Three years

Tomorrow, 17 May, marks S's third anniversary. Not the day he died, and not the day he was born one day later, but the day we were first introduced to his beating heart, strong and thumping as though to announce his arrival. So profound and beautiful was that sound, I imagined that it resonated beyond the walls of that dimly lit ultrasound room, down the corridors of the hospital, out into the sunshiny day for all the world to hear. That is the day we chose to remember, to commemorate.

He wriggled and bounced as if to say Hello! I'm here! Get ready! 

And we fell in love, of course. Truly. Madly. Deeply.


He would have been a handful, that boy.  A little gymnast, more athletic than either his father or I. Or so I think. He had such long fingers, when he was finally born. Would those fingers have been good at throwing and climbing, or more inclined towards quiet pursuits? Writing and drawing? Miniature model building, like his dad?

We were ready. So, so ready. Just not for what came, once we finally got to hold him.

His blanket; too little used


It would mean more than you know, if you could spare a thought for him tomorrow. Maybe do something lovely and life affirming to connect with your inner child. Chase a butterfly. Dig in the dirt. Eat a particularly messy piece of cake. We'll spend the day building sand castles.


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We miss you baby boy. We love you so so much, always and forever. To the moon and back.







22 comments:

  1. A beautiful day to remember as your sweet baby's anniversary. Sending love xx

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  2. Oh Sadie...I'm SO sorry that you had to go through that/are having to through this. There are no words. Sending positive thoughts your way. I WILL dedicate a moment of pure childish silliness to your beloved S tomorrow!

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  3. So many hugs for you! I was planning to sneak some time on the swingset at the park on my lunch hour tomorrow, but we're expecting stormy weather. Perhaps I'll stay in and color instead, something I loved to do as a kid. You and your son will be in my thoughts.

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  4. Oh Sadie, you and your sweet baby will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am sending you a huge hug across the distance. xo

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  5. I am so sorry you lost S.
    But he will always be with you, I think you know that.
    I will light a candle and do something fun and child-like in his honor.
    Hugs and light.

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  6. Holding you, S and H in my heart today. May you all be wrapped in love during this anniversary.

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  7. (*HUGS*) Thinking of you, your family, and especially little S.

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  8. Is there any particular color that you associate with S?

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  9. What a lovely day to choose to remember him. I am so sorry you lost him too soon.

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  10. I'll be thinking of you, S, and H tomorrow. Sending lots of love and happiness your way.

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  11. I'll definitely be thinking of you and S tomorrow and will do something in honor of his beautiful life.

    Love to you mama <3

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  12. Oh, the magic of hearing that heartbeat for the first time! It's beautiful that you've chosen THIS day as his anniversary.

    Gardening is one thing that always brings out the child in me -- something about playing in the dirt -- and tomorrow I'll be thinking of you and S while out in the sunshine.

    I'm so sorry that he can't be there in your arms right now. Sending sympathy and love...

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  13. I'm glad you wrote this, just because now you know he will have people thinking of him tomorrow. And, of course, of you! Take care of yourself.

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  14. I was a gymnast and I've always been tempted to do cartwheels down the long hallway in my office. Will do so tomorrow in memory of your boy :) Take of your family during this difficult anniversary.

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  15. You are all in my thoughts today, what a beautiful date to remember your boy on. Huge hugs, and I'll play and cuddle a little extra with the dog that is here.

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  16. I will make it my mission today to celebrate little S's time here.
    I will dig, dance, eat sticky sweet cake, count Newts and toads in my pond and then stop and pick some Bluebells in the woods out the back of my house, they smell heavenly, they carpet the woodland floor as if a comforting blanket has been laid over it. The colour is amazing, inky purple and spritly green, here for only a brief moment in time but truly awesome. I will think of him and think of you.Love & hugs to you both.XXX

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  17. As always, beautifully written. Thinking of you today and wishing you many adventurous, messy and positively lovely sandcastles for your boy. Big hugs.

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  18. Thinking of all three of you today. I'm glad you chose this day and your fond memories of S to remember.

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  19. Sending some good thoughts your way. I'm having an anniversary of my own sort today and they're hard but important days.

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  20. Oh Sadie, this post truly touched my heart. It is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I was so touched that I have read it three times.

    Thank you.

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  21. Sadie, thank you for being so open with all of us. Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Boston and so is today. I will be thinking of you and S, when I get out to enjoy it. Sending lots of love. xo

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  22. (((HUGS))) Nobody should have to endure this. I am absolutely thinking of you and S. xoxo

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