Friday, 10 May 2013

Duped by my own progesterone levels

My progesterone levels on day 21 of this cycle were a whopping 59. Clearly, I've ovulated. So in the end, after much trepidation on my part and H's encroaching boredom over my ad nauseum analysis at the potential effects on my cervical mucous, there will be no Clomid for me. At least not for now.

On the one hand, I'm relieved. Obviously. If my cervical mucous is not totally courteous and welcoming to H's little guys now, I'll have no one to blame but myself. I had reservations (which I nonetheless would have been willing to put aside if it would provide me with a real chance of conception), not just about what Clomid might do to my body, but about what such a course of action represents in the bigger picture. My granola-y, hippy commune upbringing instilled in me a deep-seated mistrust of synthetic chemicals that remains hard to dislodge even today.  (Then again, fat lot of good all that organic granola did me...)

At the same time...What the what?! Somehow I've just been tricked by circumstances conspiring against me and my uterus into accepting the status quo. Being totally inert. Changing nothing. Seriously,you guys.  The not-totally-out-but-not-really-doing-anything-not-hopeful-not-hopeless-let's-wait-and-see place? (I know you know this). It's excruciating, and I suck at inhabiting it. I. Want. Movement. Or at least the illusion thereof?

Also, since progesterone levels are out of the way as a source of worry, that frees up my brain to ferret out myriad new scenarios to serve as future impediments to our baby making. I probably certainly have crappy eggs! H hasn't been eating enough avocado to give his little guys the oomph they need! I water skied too much in adolescence! We'll never be approved for adoption once they discover H's weird childhood collection of semi-limbless He-man figures with which he refuses to part! [insert random, illogical, second-guessing worry here].

H, for his part, as if to prove his continued devotion to the there really isn't anything wrong if we don't face up to it! approach seems to have mastered Zen and the Art of Reproductive Uncertainty. He is dragging his feet on supplying a sample for his sperm analysis, because he 'doesn't like doing it'. Whereas, you know, I kind of love the weekly blood tests and regular contact with the transvag invader...  I get it, I really do. But. This is making me want to kick him in the shins. I would try it, but...er...I don't think it's conducive to the provision of said sample (unless maybe that's your thing, in which case, totally no judgement here).

I'm managing to make light of it, but I'm annoyed and frustrated and constantly second guessing myself. How do we move forward with this? (This...nothing). Should we be looking further afield? (Particularly as we're staking our life plans for the immediate future on this). Do we really entrust this clinic to take us forward? I can't shake the feeling that we need to be proactive because we are losing time here. Surely we need to do everything we can NOW to increase our likelihood of this ever working?

That's kinda the conversation going on in my head - and much to H's delight, at the dinner table - this week. I haven't yet decided if any of these questions are rhetorical. 

Thank the gods for big deadlines that will keep me otherwise occupied all weekend. Yeah, sure...of course they will.





I know I should love my own particular progesterone, but right now I have mixed feelings. Also, how eewww is this T-shirt? Source.



24 comments:

  1. It's so hard to know what to do but I would be doing what you are. Ted had to give his sample too and was not excited about doing it, but it got done.

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    1. I guess we're exploring a few options right now, and thinking about what the future holds. I have to trust in the process (the existential one, if not the medical) to a certain extent, but that's hard for me because at least if something is happening, however futile, I feel like I'm doing my best. I'm not the best at being patient with these things.

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  2. Oh yes, the Zen of Reproductive Uncertainty. I don't remember when we signed up for that class, and don't know why we can't just graduate already!

    All the questioning and planning does get tedious sometimes, but it's important, or you wouldn't be so occupied with it. I hope it brings you more clarity about the best path forward.

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    1. I think, beyond repeat SA, we'll put the question on hold for a month or so just to give ourselves a break for the summer holidays. Big decisions are definitely on the cards for us in the near future. I feel like I should have a PhD in Reproductive Uncertainty by now!

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  3. I commend you for your patience with H. It's a tough process for both parties. Just keep reminding him how important he is (and his sample analysis) is to the whole process.

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    1. My patience isn't always so commendable, or so present! there have definitely been dish-breaking moments in the course of this whole IF lark... This can really make or break a marriage, I think.

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  4. I understand your mixed feelings about hoping you needed some kind of drug to change things(like Clomid) yet being thankful you don't have to take it.
    Do you think your husband's hesitancy about a sperm sample has to do with his worry it won't be normal? I think my husband secretly stressed about that.
    That t-shirt leaves me confused and curious. Who purchases these things??

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    1. I wouldn't even hazard a guess as to who those are marketed for, but I knew if anyone else would get a chuckle out of it, it'd be you ladies!

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  5. I had to laugh, in solidarity, with parts of your post. I know that Jon was very hesitant to give his sample, but he went and did it. He said it was the most awkward thing to do "that" in a clinical exam room where he could hear nurses walking by on the other side of the door. One way to look at things, though, is that this really is the ONLY test that H needs to do. If all checks out on his sample, then YOU are the one that has to endure everything else. So, maybe if he approaches it as a one-and-done task it might get him to the clinic?

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    1. Sometimes you've just gotta laugh, right?! I'm glad I have you ladies who understand so well. I don't know if the people in my real life would be quite so understanding about my musings on my husband's masturbatory efforts! ;)

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  6. My husband was really reluctant when we moved on to IUIs, he hated the process, the implications, the testing. But, like you, all I could do was be like... really? After everything I have to go through?

    I can understand the worries over taking drugs. For us, there wasn't any other option since my body is deficient, but when we started it was scary for me.

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    1. I love my husband to pieces, but...They are really something else sometimes, aren't they?!

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  7. How frustrating! I'm with you on Clomid - if you are ovulating, which you are clearly doing a stellar job of doing, the side-effects seem worse than the potential benefit.

    It is so hard to know what to do next. Although H needs to get his arse down to the clinic or, if he is very reluctant, he can do what my husband did after his failed attempt at the clinic, which was to fire off the sample at home and zoom it over to them.

    I hope your mind manages to stay calm this weekend and what you should do next pops into your head out of nowhere.

    Good luck.

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    1. Thanks Ana! I'd be so grateful for one of those epiphany moments! Alas, they only ever seem to happen in books...But I do think (hope!) things will become increasingly clear in the coming weeks.

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  8. I remember all too well those first few months at the clinic. Grey gave his sample fairly quickly, but he was far from happy about the situation. 10 months later, he had a system and didn't think twice about doing his part. One thing to ask is if there's a way H can collect at home and then transport it for analysis. Obviously not the clinic's first choice, but it may help him get things over with sooner than later.

    Hang in there. None of this is easy and it's enough to drive the average person mad.

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    1. Thanks Cristy. For understanding, and just for being here. It means more than you know.

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  9. I totally get your frustration with not being able to move forward. The relief of not having to take Clomid is quickly overturned by the thought that at least then you'd be *doing something*. It's kind of a helpless feeling, and I wish there was some way to make it better. But if H can do his part, that's another step in the right direction. Or at least one more thing to cross off the list.

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    1. That's it exactly. At first, I was reassured that everything in my body *seems* to be working a-ok. But then it's like, well this means we don't have a clear course of action or 'solution'. Of course I know there's no quick fix (if only!)...but it's going to be so hard to sit out further months of 'just keep trying' when we've already been doing that and have so little to show for it. Aahhhgg!

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  10. "The Art of Zen and the Reproductive Uncertainty" is exactly where my husband is in this whole process. You described it perfectly, as well as the panic we all suffer from. For me, I panic about whether or not I am doing enough right before sleep. My heart pounds, I cannot breathe and I have to talk myself down. I've gotten good at avoiding the subject at dinner and at other times during the day because, like your husband, Adam is bored with the topic. Therefore, the day's worry accumulates and hits me at bedtime. Now, I try to work-out before bedtime, so I am so exhausted and avoid the panic phase of the day. (Back in my 20's I would have used wine, so this weird progress.) Stay strong--we're going to do this!

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    1. My panic seems to be spread evenly throughout the day. So I don't get (many) full-blown panic attacks, just pervasive mild anxiety. Ha!
      And as for bored husbands, I really think this blogging is good for my marriage. I can unload all my insane thoughts here and you ladies kindly, patiently all nod along so he doesn't have to. Thanks :)

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  11. You are so so so so funny. You seriously make me laugh out loud.

    I'm going to be totally non-PC here but ... husbands can be so freaking frustrating. I remember when Bob was dragging his heels about completing our paperwork and I was having a really hard time faking civility in the home. Argh.

    I hope you start getting some answers that will make decisions easier.

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    1. Thank you Alicia, you are too kind. I'm glad to know that my often incoherent ramblings provide entertainment to someone besides myself ;)

      And by all means, be as un-PC as you feel like! I hear you on the husbands. I don't know if it's a gender thing, or if maybe Bob and H are just similar personalities. I try to remind myself that they are, just by virtue of biology, a little more removed from the whole thing, and just express their desires differently. I like to think that they can also be a good counterpoint to our, ahem...more thorough approach. Though being relaxed isn't always the best thing!

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  12. I totally get you. That place, "The not-totally-out-but-not-really-doing-anything-not-hopeful-not-hopeless-let's-wait-and-see place?".... is where we're at. After not being able to do anything on the previous cycle because my ovulation was missed... we go to San Francisco and I get my period over there. It must have been the shortest cycle I have ever had (21 days), which meant that we were back at the ob-gyns office on day 10 of my "new" cycle, too late to start another IUI cycle, and the "transvag-invader" (best description ever)saying my follicles all look too small.
    Because I need deadlines, motion, the feeling that we are doing something, I got some ovulation tests and I am monitoring myself, you know, for fun, trying the old-fashioned-doesn't-work-for-us way, because the thought of not-doing-anything is even worse. In other news we have an intake appointment at the hospital where they do IVF tomorrow, not sure if I should be happy, excited, or freaking out about it.
    So I am right there with you. Hoping things will work out soon (as always....).

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    1. Amanda, I'm so sorry that you're stuck in this no man's land again. I feel you for sure! It's so typical that the cycle you're away would be the one that decides to throw a wrench in things...that's the type of trick my body would play on me! On the bright side though my friend, you had an amazing holiday. I have to keep reminding myself that life won't go on hold while I wait for a baby, and I'm glad you took some time away to just enjoy yourselves. It looks amazing!

      I hope the appointment goes well today! We just have to keep repeating that mantra: things will work out soon, one way or another...

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